update

omg ke laut plan nak update blog ni every month. hm

results for my june exam is coming out tomorrow but i know i'm going to fail so if anyone asks me about my results i'm gonna tell them to ask me again in october. lol

anyway, i'm currently working as a student helper in sunway. and what i have to do is to rearrange the content of the F8 textbook based on a course outline that someone else has done and also i have to make a summary for each chapter using powerpoint. sounds pretty simple but it takes so much time. i'm not complaining though. at least i'm getting paid even though it's not that much and i have to wait a month after i finish the whole thing before i get my pay. but again i'm not complaining. at least i have something to do. i'm a bit worried though because i probably have to start studying again for the september exams...  guess i'll worry about that later. 

so i went to jogja and bandung last week (5th to 11 July). i had fun but overall, i didn't like indonesia very much. the people are rude, the road is always busy and banyak sangat motor. serious banyak sangat. kereta2 pulak suka hon. stress weh. i also got food poisoning. i think its just my stomach though because orang lain tak kena pon. so i think i dont like the food either. oh and it irritates me how our languages are so similar yet so different. like kejap faham kejap tak faham each other you know. my friend said this is rude and kita kena blend in and all tapi kenapa orang indon datang malaysia, kita ckp slang indon dgn diorng and orang malaysia dtg indon kita still kena ckp slang indon dgn diorng. i mean why. just why. and theres nothing much there really. nature dia cantik la. but thats pretty much it. malaysia lagi best if u ask me. i'm sorry. my friend yang ikut was pretty sad when i told her this because i kept repeating that i miss malaysia and i wanted to go back when i was on that trip with her. sorry dude it's not because of you, im just not fond of the country. that trip was 6/10 for me. 

im sorry. too lazy to update on the story in penang (the motorbike incident). biar terkubur dalam memori je eh haha

damaged goods.

I dont believe that people can truly understand each other. One might say that perhaps we can get to know someone and understand them better through time and I agree but i still dont believe that people can truly one hundred percent understand another human being.

 Even at this point in my life I cant say that I have ever truly understood anyone i've ever met, including my parents who I have known all my life. 

I recently fought with a friend who I have known for 12 years but have been close friends with for almost 5 years. The circumstances in which made me fight with her is a long story. I'll write about it in a seperate post (in malay probably coz I am just so frustrated about the whole thing and lagi best marah2 dalam BM kot lol) 

We fought about how I was being a heartless human being and how I should care more about others and take responsibility for my actions. She, by nature, is a very trusting person and has a gigantic sense of responsibility. Ok I said I'm going to write about it in a separate post but basically what happened was we got into a minor accident with a motorbike. She was in the car with me while I was driving.

So after we called the ambulance and the guy was brought to the hospital, we went to the hospital too to return his helmet and key which we picked up at the scene. We saw the guy and he said he was waiting for his xtray. My friend asked him what we should do with his stuff and he said to keep it first, which I think is dumb because why would we want to hold onto a stranger's personal belongings. But my friend was being all responsible and insist we hold on to it to show that we care and will take responsibility. That triggered me because what??? You're saying I'm not being responsible just because I REFUSE to hold to SOME GUY I DONT EVEN KNOW punya kunci motor and helmet?? Dah visit dia kat hospital bawak kunci ngan helmet and cari parking sampai setengah jam kat hospital tu tak cukup responsible ke??

Ok sorry that's besides the point.

Anyway because of us holding onto his stuff, something else happened later which I will write in a separate post i promiseeee

What I actually wanted to say was that I've never fought with her like this before and it kind of made me question how much I knew her and how much she knew me. 

Tapi sebenarnya dah lama fikir pasal this whole humans cant understand each other semua ni. I think that's partly why I have trust issues and why I like to be by myself. Because I always have a hard time figuring out what other people think and I just dont understand peoplee. But the most concerning thing is how I dont understand myself. And I spend 24 hours a day with myself! How can someone else say they understand me when I dont understand myself? And how do I understand others when I dont understand myself because you know I spend 24 hours with myself and barely any time with others. dang its all so complicated and PROBABLY unnecessary to think about. 

but but BUT! I have realized something important after the whole fiasco with that motorbike guy which is it's PERFECTLY OKAY to not truly understand another person. My parents was also involved a lot in this incident because I called my dad and asked for help. And they did a lot for me and my friend to handle the whole case. Which made me realize that love and trust doesn't come from completely understanding someone. Because you won't ever completely understand someone anyway. Humans change all the time. And we do a lot of shit to the ones we love ALL THE TIMEE. But I think what makes human relationships beautiful is how despite ALL OF OUR FLAWS AND how DAMAGED we are and despite not understanding each other, we still find reasons to trust, love and stay by someone's side. 

So despite my friend being such a pain in the neck( dont worry, I'm most likely a pain to her too), I still love her and wouldn't want to lose her as a friend (Hope she does too). And despite me being such a troublesome kid to my parents and wasting a lot of their money, I know they will always continue to worry for me and won't ever turn their backs on me. 

ranting about failure.

Here’s what ran through my mind when I checked my results.

P2: Fail. Huh. I did better than I thought (even though I failed). I thought I totally screwed up Section A. 30 marks for preparing a consolidated statement of profit and loss. Ada foreign exchange pulak tu. Serious tak boleh brain topic tu. That and financial instruments are my biggest weak points. I don’t know what I answered, really. Section B pon was pretty bad. I covered the entire syllabus but I was so disappointed in myself. Soalan pasal IAS 36 impairment yang usually masuk every sitting pon I didn’t answer it confidently. So gone case lah.

I did expect to fail P2. But who in their right mind will PLAN to fail? No one. So it was still disappointing and sad.

I continued to slowly scroll down.

P7 macam ada harapan sikit because I didn’t blank out like I did in P2. So in my head I was like “ please please please let me pass P7 at least. Nak repeat dua2 P paper sakit dooo”.

But to my utter dismay, I failed that paper too. And it’s a marginal fail at that. Sakitnya hatiiii.

I didn’t cry at first. But I spent like an hour on the bed thinking about why I failed, what went wrong (yes I’ve asked myself this like a MILLION times so don’t blame me when I get slightly pissed off when other people ask me if I know what went wrong and suggest that I do a list la apa la so that I can, you know, tackle my weaknesses or something. I know they mean well but PLEASE JUST STOPP it’s so uncomfortable) what I should do, how I should tell my parents, yada3.

I snapped a screenshot of my results and sent it to my parents (to which I put an “I’m sorry” caption) and a few close friends. Then my mom replied “It’s okay Tiqah, I’m sure you’ve tried your best”. That’s when I burst into tears and thought “I’ve really disappointed them”. Even my dad was like "It's ok Tiqah. Jangan stress. It's not the end of the world". I didn't want them to get mad at me but them being nice about it actually made me feel more guilty. Disappointing myself wasn’t a big deal but I felt like I really deserve a punch in the face for disappointing my parents. They don’t say it but I’m sure they were hoping for me to pass everything in one shot. I could sense it when I failed P3 last time. But this time they’ve gotten more understanding (and probably realized that ACCA is hard and I’m just your average joe yang takde harapan nak dapat world prize ke apa.  Dah la pemalas *sigh*)

Before I started doing ACCA, I hear all these stories about people failing and how that’s a norm in this course. And that’s terrifying. But I still did it anyway because I also hear a lot of stories where people pass all their papers in one shot, no repeats. So, I went in and did ACCA hoping I could be like those people. Unfortunately, things didn’t turn out like I’d hoped. I know, hope isn’t enough to help you pass. It’s not like I didn’t work hard. But yeah, maybe I didn’t work hard enough (How much is enough though ughh).

Passing all your papers in one shot is extremely doable. Four of my friends (3 are just acquaintances actually) recently passed their last paper (yes they passed everything on their first attempt) and have already started working. For the average student though, selalunya ada la dua tiga paper jugak sangkut. Tapi sangkut2 pon, ramai je yang dah habis. BUT I also have a few other acquaintances or classmates yang tengah repeat paper yang sama for like the fourth time. ACCA has people from from both ends of the spectrum (on one hand, passing everything in one shot and on the other hand repeating over and over) and I don't know where I am on that spectrum. I did quite well for my fundamental papers but since I started my professional papers, everything just went downhill. So far, I’ve only passed one P paper on my first attempt. To be honest, dah fed up gile. But I can’t stop now. I’m almost there huhu

Yesterday, I heard from a friend that this one classmate of ours, he repeated F8 (an audit paper) 10 times until he finally passed on his 10th attempt. I was like you gotta be kidding me. How does he still have the strength to continue. You have to admire his perseverance wehh!! Tak rasa ke orang yang pass at his/her third or fourth or whatever attempt lagi terer daripada orang yang pass everything at his/her first attempt? I mean orang yang pass everything first attempt is amazing in his/her own way jugak but I really do admire the people who never gave up.

Because I know how it feels. Failing never feels good. It throws your motivation down the drain. And it takes a lot of strength and effort to get back on track. Anyway, I didn't get to be one of those people who never failed a paper. But now I hope, at the end of the day, I'll become one of those people who never gave up, inshaAllah.

Although it's not much (ape lah sangat ujian fail paper ni), can't wait to see how I'll grow from this experience :) 

I'm back.

So, it's been two years. It's scary how fast time flies. I'd like to think that I've changed, that I've become a better person. But I don't know. It's sad to say that I haven't. I'm still a coward who's terrified of speaking in public. I'm still constantly worried about my future. I haven't improved my relationship with God (in fact, I think it's gotten worse). And I'm still a loner in college. I spend most of my time alone. And dare I say I'm more of a loner in college compared to when I'm in high school. Even though college is supposed to be a place where you meet lots of different people. Well, you do. But it's actually harder to retain friendships in college. You don't spend a lot of time together and you're not forced to spend time together (unlike in school where you're forced to meet the same faces everyday for a year).

I've realized something. I know why I wasn't consistent in writing in this blog. It's because I always think in tangents. I don't have a specific topic to write about so I end up blabbering nonsense about nothing and everything and then when I re-read what I wrote, I hate it and I don't post it.

Ok I've decided. I'm going to post this. And I'm going to write more in the future and post it, I promise. It doesn't matter if I think in tangents. It doesn't matter if it doesn't make any sense and it doesn't matter if no one reads my posts. I'm going to write and post anything I want. Yeah. I'll do that.

So I just finished a call with my friend who's in Guangzhou now. Before that I was talking to two of my friends who's studying in the UK and I kind of made a promise with one of them to start writing again this year. We kind of turned it into a challenge to write at least one post a month. We'll see how that goes.

Back to my friend who's in Guangzhou now. She has some issues with her visa application so she can't come back to Malaysia at the moment. Now you might wonder how I'm friends with such a person. I believe she's 100% Malaysian by heart. But unfortunately she's not a citizen of Malaysia, legally, which sucks because she's so much more Malaysian than any Malaysian I know. I tried helping her ask for citizenship at the Immigration once, but they refused her application saying she's not working yet. Not trying to be racist tapi aku tak tahu macam mana orang2 indon and bangla senang sangat dapat kewarganegaraan. My friend was born in Malaysia and she grew up in Malaysia and have been living in Malaysia all her life. Why is it so hard to get citizenship??

 She used to study ACCA at Sunway. That's how I'm friends with her. She already passed all her papers and is now currently job hunting but she had to go back to China for a while because of visa issues. I really wish I could help but there's only so much I can do. I can only pray for her now. I really hope she gets a job in Malaysia and can continue living here. And I hope she can get her Malaysian citizenship soon too.

Anyway, the new semester starts in 2 days. Yeah, my friend finished ACCA and I'm still stuck for another semester. I hope I don't drag this on for too long.

Today is the first day of the new year and I'm feeling hopeful and terrified of what's to come. I'm not going to post my new year's resolution here or anywhere because it's lame (not like I have that many). Oh, and I'm excited to vote for the first time this year.

That's all I guess for the first post since 2015 lol.

I hope 2018 treats everyone and myself well. Ameen.

Limitless.

What's wrong with falling down?
You can always stand up again.
When I look up at the sky after falling down
I can see that the sky is stretching limitlessly
the sky is smiling at me
and I truly realize
I'm alive

Everyday blessings.

For the eyes I get to open today
the legs I used to walk to class
the hands I moved to write my notes
the fresh air I breathe without having to pay anything
the smiles my family gives me
the concern looks my friends offer when exams are around the corner
the roof that shelters me from sun and rain
the food and water I can swallow
the endless sky I get to see
and sometimes the unexpected kindness from strangers

Alhamdulillah
Thank you Allah.

Live on.

I really don't want to say things like
I want to go back to how things were before
People shouldn't dwell on the past
It's enough to try your best for all that you're doing right now
That's why
I'll recognize who I am right now
and I will continue to live on

Glad tidings.

Sometimes
I feel
sad
unmotivated
jealous
unappreciated
suffocated
stressed

and

lost in the crowd

but

"And give good tidings to those who believe and do righteous deeds that they will have gardens [in Paradise] beneath which rivers flow. Whenever they are provided with a provision of fruit therefrom, they will say, "This is what we were provided with before." And it is given to them in likeness. And they will have therein purified spouses, and they will abide therein eternally." (al-Quran 2:25)

Words.

I'm not good with words.
Really, I'm not.

I'm the type of person that has to think hard about what to say before I say them.
That's why whenever someone's having a conversation with me,
there's always an unusual amount of awkward silences.

Yesterday, I was in a conversation with my junior and I was trying to explain something very important to her. But because I had an exam earlier and my mind was preoccupied with all the tax computation and gratuities, reliefs, deductions, exemptions, capital allowances, definitions etc.. I didn't exactly had enough time to think about what to say to my junior. So I ended up just telling her whatever that pops up in my head about the subject matter. I didn't realize she was so sharp until she told me, "Kenapa Kak Tiqah macam serabut sangat ni?" She said it while smiling and it really caught me off guard. I didn't think I was that obvious. So I dismissed her question and told her she was imagining it and maybe I was just tired from the exam and I quickly changed the subject, or continued what we were talking about to be exact. But the whole time I was with her, she actually told me three times that I looked 'serabut'. And I swear I was trying my hardest to laugh and say noooooo I'm not why do you keep saying that.

It made me think and truly understand that I'm seriously not good with words. I hate being caught off guard. I hate when people suddenly ask about my opinion (If you do happen to ask me, please give me time to think about it haha. It's not that I don't have a stand but I just need time to put it into words). And I don't know if this is really related, but I especially hate impromptu speeches.

Needless to say, I'm an introvert through and through. Sometimes I'm proud of it and sometimes I'm not. Nevertheless, I like myself the way I am. To be honest, for me, it took a lot of time to appreciate myself because most of the time, I'm secretly questioning my personality and behavior, like why am I like this and why did I say that etc but what I did to overcome this is that I observe and appreciate other people and realize that everyone else is so unique and different and eventually come to the conclusion that I'm not so bad myself.