ranting about failure.

Here’s what ran through my mind when I checked my results.

P2: Fail. Huh. I did better than I thought (even though I failed). I thought I totally screwed up Section A. 30 marks for preparing a consolidated statement of profit and loss. Ada foreign exchange pulak tu. Serious tak boleh brain topic tu. That and financial instruments are my biggest weak points. I don’t know what I answered, really. Section B pon was pretty bad. I covered the entire syllabus but I was so disappointed in myself. Soalan pasal IAS 36 impairment yang usually masuk every sitting pon I didn’t answer it confidently. So gone case lah.

I did expect to fail P2. But who in their right mind will PLAN to fail? No one. So it was still disappointing and sad.

I continued to slowly scroll down.

P7 macam ada harapan sikit because I didn’t blank out like I did in P2. So in my head I was like “ please please please let me pass P7 at least. Nak repeat dua2 P paper sakit dooo”.

But to my utter dismay, I failed that paper too. And it’s a marginal fail at that. Sakitnya hatiiii.

I didn’t cry at first. But I spent like an hour on the bed thinking about why I failed, what went wrong (yes I’ve asked myself this like a MILLION times so don’t blame me when I get slightly pissed off when other people ask me if I know what went wrong and suggest that I do a list la apa la so that I can, you know, tackle my weaknesses or something. I know they mean well but PLEASE JUST STOPP it’s so uncomfortable) what I should do, how I should tell my parents, yada3.

I snapped a screenshot of my results and sent it to my parents (to which I put an “I’m sorry” caption) and a few close friends. Then my mom replied “It’s okay Tiqah, I’m sure you’ve tried your best”. That’s when I burst into tears and thought “I’ve really disappointed them”. Even my dad was like "It's ok Tiqah. Jangan stress. It's not the end of the world". I didn't want them to get mad at me but them being nice about it actually made me feel more guilty. Disappointing myself wasn’t a big deal but I felt like I really deserve a punch in the face for disappointing my parents. They don’t say it but I’m sure they were hoping for me to pass everything in one shot. I could sense it when I failed P3 last time. But this time they’ve gotten more understanding (and probably realized that ACCA is hard and I’m just your average joe yang takde harapan nak dapat world prize ke apa.  Dah la pemalas *sigh*)

Before I started doing ACCA, I hear all these stories about people failing and how that’s a norm in this course. And that’s terrifying. But I still did it anyway because I also hear a lot of stories where people pass all their papers in one shot, no repeats. So, I went in and did ACCA hoping I could be like those people. Unfortunately, things didn’t turn out like I’d hoped. I know, hope isn’t enough to help you pass. It’s not like I didn’t work hard. But yeah, maybe I didn’t work hard enough (How much is enough though ughh).

Passing all your papers in one shot is extremely doable. Four of my friends (3 are just acquaintances actually) recently passed their last paper (yes they passed everything on their first attempt) and have already started working. For the average student though, selalunya ada la dua tiga paper jugak sangkut. Tapi sangkut2 pon, ramai je yang dah habis. BUT I also have a few other acquaintances or classmates yang tengah repeat paper yang sama for like the fourth time. ACCA has people from from both ends of the spectrum (on one hand, passing everything in one shot and on the other hand repeating over and over) and I don't know where I am on that spectrum. I did quite well for my fundamental papers but since I started my professional papers, everything just went downhill. So far, I’ve only passed one P paper on my first attempt. To be honest, dah fed up gile. But I can’t stop now. I’m almost there huhu

Yesterday, I heard from a friend that this one classmate of ours, he repeated F8 (an audit paper) 10 times until he finally passed on his 10th attempt. I was like you gotta be kidding me. How does he still have the strength to continue. You have to admire his perseverance wehh!! Tak rasa ke orang yang pass at his/her third or fourth or whatever attempt lagi terer daripada orang yang pass everything at his/her first attempt? I mean orang yang pass everything first attempt is amazing in his/her own way jugak but I really do admire the people who never gave up.

Because I know how it feels. Failing never feels good. It throws your motivation down the drain. And it takes a lot of strength and effort to get back on track. Anyway, I didn't get to be one of those people who never failed a paper. But now I hope, at the end of the day, I'll become one of those people who never gave up, inshaAllah.

Although it's not much (ape lah sangat ujian fail paper ni), can't wait to see how I'll grow from this experience :)