Finding the one?

I'm getting engaged next week. To be honest it hasn't really sunk in me so I don't know what to feel. But I think it's time I write about this guy. I just want to remember what I feel right now and see it in retrospect in the future. 

So his name is Asyraf. I got to know him from a website called baitulmuslim.com. He's 5 years older and works as a Technician at TNB. His family is from Johor but lives in Melaka. 

Yes, I did chat with a few guys before him but none really lasted very long. In fact, as per what I wrote in my private-only-for-me-to-read blog, I did try apps like Tinder and Bumble and got to know some guys there as well. I don't remember most of them already but yeah, just saying I was putting myself out there. Now the reason why I've stuck with Asyraf is because I really felt his effort in trying to get to know me better. And right from the start there was no dilly dallying and no mind games. We got to know each better by following Aiman Azlan's advice with the 100 marital questions. After finishing the 100 questions which took like a month coz we took our time and asked further questions here and there, he was straightforward about his intentions and asked whether I've told my parents about him. At first I actually felt pressured but after much convincing, I felt his sincerity and thought I would be doing him a disservice if I wasn't serious about this relationship as well. Yes I know, my feelings was half assed but my intention was serious. So then I told my parents about him and it just went on from there. Once I told my parents about him, it was already a sign that our relationship was official. 

It still feels weird to tell people how I got to know Asyraf. I always start with 'Oh I met him online' and I'm already prejudiced against myself lol. I always feel the need to justify it like 'I don't know how to meet someone organically. If I know a guy from school or work, that's all he's ever going to be to me. I would feel weird if a colleague started flirting or something'. Anyway, this is just something I have to work on by myself. I need to convince myself that maybe this was the best way for me and there's nothing wrong with it. 

The thing is, I don't know if Asyraf is 'the one'. Even right this second, I still have doubts whether I made the right choice. But I always hope and pray that rasa yakin tu akan datang la satu hari nanti. I feel pretentious saying this, but I really want to believe that everything comes from Allah, all our feelings come from Allah, so if I want to feel trust and love towards another person, all I have to do is ask Allah right? 

I think love is a verb. You need to work on it. You need to learn about it and spend time to nurture it. The best possible scenario is of course if the love is already there and you just maintain and grow it. But I do believe it can start from zero as well. I mean compared to how I felt about Asyraf one year ago when I first got to know him, I do think I feel more love and care for him now. It's still not to the point of being 'in love' with him thought. You know that feeling where everything that person does makes you smile and you adore almost everything about them? Yeah still not up to that level yet. 

Oh man, I suddenly feel terrified to get engaged to him now. It do be like that though. Some days I think he's nice and cute, other days I'm annoyed with him. We recently had a fight and I just felt so tired of him all of a sudden. But it's good now. I don't know. Sometimes I wish we had an effortless relationship where I'm head over heels in love with him and don't overthink stuff. But I don't even know if that's possible with anyone else either. At this point I just tell myself that as long as there are no major red flags, I can work with it. I just hope and pray that Allah will reward me and Asyraf's efforts to get to know each other, to tolerate and accept each other and to move towards a halal marriage. Amiiiin.

I finally resigned from my first job after graduating.

Finally, after what felt like 3 extremely long years, I've tendered in my resignation from my current position as Audit Associate in Deloitte Malaysia.

Alhamdulillah for all the good and the bad. But let's talk about the bad first so I can end this post on a positive note. Hahaha. 

The bad. 

1. Long and unstable working hours. 

During peak season, sometimes I have to work up to 16 hours a day, sometimes including weekends and public holidays. But this doesn't last throughout the whole year. It's usually 4-6 months at the beginning of the year only. I would prefer working 8 hours a day consistently (with breaks of course) and NOT work on weekends or public holidays for the whole year rather than working like zombies for 6 months and having almost nothing to do for the rest of the year. It's hard having to get in and out of the zombie mode every time. 

2. Commute. 

Since I changed clients every 2-3 months, I would have to commute to different places for each different client. But of course for the past 2 years, a big portion of the time was working from home due to repeated MCOs but I don't want to stay in the firm knowing that I would still need to commute to client's place in the future. It's not my choice if I don't want to go to a client in Port Klang.. And God knows how many Port Klang clients Deloitte has. I've been assigned to two clients in Port Klang and it was hell having to commute there, me being from Bangi.

3. Nature of audit. 

Audit is basically checking other people's work. I feel like a fraud 95% of the time. When I first started I felt like a fraud 100% of the time. It only decreased due to the meager experience I've gained. Why do I have to check someone else's work when even I don't know what the heck is going on. But you know, at this point, I feel like majority of corporate people don't know what's going on. The remaining who do know, purposely makes things harder so other people don't get in on the secret. 

Aside from checking other people's work, audit is always tight on deadlines. They should put in the job description before people joined : "Must have thick skin and thick face as you would need to chase clients or else they would end up blaming you for not meeting the audit deadline, even though THEY are the ones who don't provide you what you need and THEY are the ones who need the signed audit report."

Also, due to changing clients all the time, there's a 'touch and go' feel to it. You feel stupid every time you start on a new client. You come in once a year and they expect you to know everything there is to know about the client. Even though every client is different. They are different companies, with different SOPs and different industries with different business processes and different people working there. You need to be careful what questions you ask or there will be a risk of clients replying to you 'Haven't I told you about this last year? Didn't you guys document it down or save it somewhere?'. What they don't know is, usually, almost half of last year's audit team probably aren't around in the firm anymore because the turnover here is so damn high. But at the same time, if you rely too much on prior years' information, the audit manager will tell you 'Why we follow last year for everything? If everything you want to follow last year, then no need to do this year's audit la'.

The good.

1. The people.

I've met so many people. Among them, I've made some good friends and interesting acquittances. But at this point, a lot of my good friends have resigned. So it's a good thing I'm leaving as well because let's be honest, a big portion of why I made it this far is because of good people. That's why I really respect those seniors that have been here since freshly graduating and they're still here despite being the only one left from their batch. 

...

I can't think of any other good things right now HAHAHAH. That's so bad. I'll add on more when I think of it.

I don't want to talk about the salary because I don't want to be ungrateful. Of course you have to fight for your rights but I would say my salary is average. It can be seen from two different perspectives, one, me being overworked and underpaid, and two, there are those who have it worse than me. So for me, it's not really the biggest thing to complain about. No matter what people say, I don't think there is such a thing as being 'compensated fairly'. The fairest way to compensate someone is based on their hard work because qualifications and experience includes factors such as luck, family background and upbringing. And it's very hard to measure people's hard work. So is there really such a thing as being compensated fairly? Take someone who works in F&B, their average salary is always around RM2,000. They definitely work harder than me. Yet I sit in the chair all day and copy other people's working paper and get paid more? And you see all those directors, CEOs and audit partners getting paid RM100,000 per month (and this is the lower end of the spectrum. Some CEOs earn up to RM700,000 per month). What exactly did they work so hard on for them to deserve that much? Nothing is fair.

Well, so much for ending this post on a positive note. I'm still very grateful for the experience I gained here though. I won't go so far as to say I couldn't have gained it anywhere else or that if I could do it again, I would because hell nah. I'm not a Big 4 glorifier. I'm a firm believer of any experience is the best experience for you because Allah put you there and He put you through it. And the fact is I can't rewind anything, and whatever happens, life moves on, so I'll take what I can get.

Perspectives

 Who are we to decide if someone is happy or unhappy? Why do we always tend to judge other people's choices based on conventional standards? 

I've come to realize that no matter how much I consult people on the decisions I'm about to make or decisions I'm avoiding to make, in the end, I will be the one to live with it's consequences. But then, why do I still care so much about what other people think? Why does what other people think still effect my decisions? Is it because I think that some people have more experience than I do? Is it because our pathways in life are so similar? I'm so scared to make the wrong choices. But what is wrong and what is right? I don't know anymore. I suppose I should take time and sit down and properly go through whatever choices I have before I make them. I think at the end of the day, there are no good or bad choices. There are just choices and it's just a part of life. You have to choose because it is impossible to do everything all at once. And it is impossible to puaskan hati semua orang. In the first place, there is no need to puaskan hati semua orang sangat. This is your life. And that is their lives. I have no say in what they do with it. And they should have no say in what I do with my life. 

Today was promotion day. I didn't get promoted last year. I was quite dejected about it but I thought maybe it wasn't my time. But today I got promoted. I'm happy but at the same time, without helping it, I compared myself to other people who got double promoted. My company was more generous with their promotions this year so a lot of people got double promoted. But I didn't. It is such a shitty feeling. It's the same feeling as last year all over again. That feeling of I'm not good enough. What did they do that I didn't. Did they work that hard? Did I not work hard enough? Or did I just not show that I worked hard enough. I mean, who decides these things? You can't measure hard work. You're not God. You don't see the sleepless nights and all those hours people worked outside of working hours. 

I always tell myself I never want to aim high. I want to be average. I don't want to put in so much extra work only to be given more work. Was the extra compensation worth all the sleepless nights and all the days filled with anxiety? Are my colleagues who got double promoted after working their asses off happy with their choices? Only they know right? I also know people who are like me, saying over and over again that they want to resign, but after one year, they're still here. Suddenly jumping to senior can be good or bad. Or maybe I shouldn't be so rigid about it. Of course your salary increments are high, but your workload will also increase. I'm sad that I didn't get that much salary increment but I don't know if I want to be given the extra workload. Are those people happy or scared or anxious or excited to be given new responsibilities? Do they think of it as a challenge and to improve their career, skills and all that? Or do they think it's a pain? I don't know. 

I know I'm all over the place. I'm always like this. I don't know what my point is exactly but I guess I just wanted to console myself and tell myself that just because I think people are happy, maybe they're not. And just because I think they're sad, maybe they're not. Maybe they have other plans. Maybe this is what's best for them and maybe it's good timing for them. So maybe the fact that I didn't get double promoted does not undermine my efforts for the last one year and it should not mean that I am better or they are better. Or maybe it does mean that? I don't know! Maybe I'm just a bitter person.

But I just want to point out that one's salary or career or whether or not they got promoted does not define one's worth. We are not our work. I don't want to be identified by my work. But sometimes I wonder, if I were one of those excellent employees, would I still be able to think the same way?

Infatuation.

 I just found out that my crush is not available. My friend helped me ask another friend who knows my crush to ask him whether or not he already has a girlfriend. And the answer was that he's not available. 

Wow. Aku dah lama takde crush. Tak buat apa2 lagi dah heartbroken. Haha. If I were to describe how I'm feeling right now, it would be that I'm sad but not completely heartbroken? It was a very short-lived crush. At this point of time, I still haven't decided whether I actually like him or I'm just infatuated with him. I hope it's just infatuation and I can just move on. Putting aside how I feel about him, I think he's a good friend and a great conversation partner so yeah, all's good maybe? 

To be honest, this is all very exhausting. Getting to know a person is exhausting. The overthinking and the fantasies of what it's like if he were to like me back. I feel like I'm 15 again. And being 15 was not a good time in my life that I'd like to remember. 

Haih apa2 lah. Hidup mesti diteruskan.

Checking in.

Again, ke laut nak update pasal audit life. Haha
I don't know. Selalu malas nak tulis pasal hidup kat sini. Tapi bila baca balik post2 lama I'd think 'Why didn't I write more'.

I've been trying to search for other jobs these past few weeks but it's soooo hard to even land an in interview. Not surprising with everything that's going on. But that doesn't stop me from feeling miserable about myself. Like aku tak cukup bagus ke and all that jazz. For now, I'll just have to continue what I'm doing... eventhough I actually DREAD having to recur for previous clients which is 95% usually what happens here.

See, the reason I initially joined audit in the first place was coz a lot of my seniors and lecturers said it's a good stepping stone to explore the industry that you want to venture into and it gives you a big exposure on the various industries available on the market. But at this point I just think 'what's the point of all this exposure if I'll end up just focusing on one later on'. And it's not really that big of an exposure. It's more 'touch and go' and depends on your luck. Some people just keep getting audit jobs for manufacturing companies so they eventually end up jumping to commercial in that kind of industry. So in the end don't we all just 'go with the flow'? And this is the kind of answer they tell us not to give during interviews? We're all hypocrites.

Speaking of interviews. I hate them so much. I hate pretending to be someone else. I don't know how to be honest and not honest at the same time. Kalau ikutkan hati, tak nak kerja pon ok. The honest HONEST answer is I'm doing this to pay the bills and to survive. And accounting is just something I happened to study and get a qualification in so thats why I'm even here applying for this position. THAT'S MY HONEST ANSWER. But no, we're expected to say things like 'I want to learn and grow in this field/organization' and  'I believe I have the necessary skills to contribute to the growth of this organization' etc. It's so exhausting having to come up with these kind of answers.

I wonder who made up these words like professionalism, corporates and capitalism. Sometimes I wish I lived in a time where these things don't exist, when we still lived in small communities and had each other's backs no matter what happened. Now we're all just stuck in this stupid rat race and making a fool of ourselves. Ok I don't know where I'm going with this. Bye.

Off peak

So I have been unassigned for 6 weeks now. Being unassigned means you don't have any clients that you are assigned to. I'm guessing it's because it's off peak now. Most of Deloitte's clients have a 31 December financial year end and most of these companies must sign off their accounts latest by 30 June the following year. That's why we're all quite free after June lol

Granted, some people are still assigned. If we get clients after June it's usually for companies who have March/June/Sept year end. Listed companies rarely have year ends other than December so most of March/June/Sept year end clients are private entities. So the workload isn't as heavy. But I've never been assigned to a listed company before so I wouldn't know the difference.

So what have I been doing for the past 6 weeks you ask? Nothing!
I follow up previous jobs, I do some e-learning here and there, but most of the time I skip work and stay at home or hangout with friends. How am I able to do this? Because Deloitte's so big. It has over 2000 employees. Nobody notices if I don't come to office except some of my friends from work. But they usually do the same thing as well so we all just keep quiet and cover each other's asses lol. We don't have a 'punch card' system so no need to punch in and out on time. Instead, we use a timesheet system which is done online. Usually I just charge 8 hours everyday whether I come early go back late or come late go back early.

When it's busy season, it's normal to go back late but it's hard to charge overtime because the process is quite tedious. You have to get manager's approval and you have to justify the extra time that you charge coz all this extra time costs the firm money. And if you charge more time, more often than not it signifies inefficiency. So personally I don't really charge overtime even when I go back and still have to open my laptop and do work because I get free time during off peak like this anyway lol

I'll be assigned two weeks from now and I'll be booked until June next year but I'll have a few weeks that I'm unassigned in between jobs which is good. Better than the last peak period where I'm booked job after job after job. Super exhausting coz you always have to follow up previous jobs even after you have to go in a new client.

Hmm that's it for now. Moving forward, I'm thinking of writing more about my job in Deloitte (hopefully) so I can look back and pat myself on the back for surviving my days here after I switch jobs in the future inshaAllah hehehe. Adios.

Life update.

I have started working for 4 weeks now. And to be completely honest, it's so bland. I'm still learning the ropes. My laptop lags all the time and it makes me want to throw it out the window. I feel so dumb and constantly afraid of asking stupid questions. I try to ask questions all the time because EVERYONE emphasizes the importance of doing so. But I regret asking each time. I feel like the more I ask the more I don't understand and I feel like I'm bothering my seniors who already have so much on their plates. I don't know what to do. I'm starting to think maybe audit isn't for me. Audit is so unpredictable because each engagement, each audit team and each client is different. It's not routine. Some might think it's interesting and challenging. But I don't see myself staying here for very long. Maybe I'm more suited doing routine kind of work. 

The question no one knows the answer to.

I thought I’d feel better after I’ve finished all my exam papers and being done with ACCA. This is what I've prayed for since I started this long journey. But when I've reached the end, I'm at a lost as what I should do next. Well, humans are greedy and selfish after all. The sense of accomplishment and satisfaction didn’t even last a week. I’m back to square one. I don’t know where to go or what to do from now on with my life. I'm feeling the exact same way I felt when I finished my SPM. Life is just this never ending cycle of change and uncertainty. It's always a question of 'what's next?'. When will anything ever be enough?

Maybe I'm not being grateful. Or maybe I'm just searching for the wrong things. Have I not matured at all in all these years?

To belong.

Gazing at the rain,
I consider what it means to belong,
to become part of something
to have someone cry for me.
from someplace distant,
so very distant.
from ultimately, a dream.
no matter how far I reach out
no matter how fast I run
I'll never make it.

Why would anyone want to cry for me?

update

omg ke laut plan nak update blog ni every month. hm

results for my june exam is coming out tomorrow but i know i'm going to fail so if anyone asks me about my results i'm gonna tell them to ask me again in october. lol

anyway, i'm currently working as a student helper in sunway. and what i have to do is to rearrange the content of the F8 textbook based on a course outline that someone else has done and also i have to make a summary for each chapter using powerpoint. sounds pretty simple but it takes so much time. i'm not complaining though. at least i'm getting paid even though it's not that much and i have to wait a month after i finish the whole thing before i get my pay. but again i'm not complaining. at least i have something to do. i'm a bit worried though because i probably have to start studying again for the september exams...  guess i'll worry about that later. 

so i went to jogja and bandung last week (5th to 11 July). i had fun but overall, i didn't like indonesia very much. the people are rude, the road is always busy and banyak sangat motor. serious banyak sangat. kereta2 pulak suka hon. stress weh. i also got food poisoning. i think its just my stomach though because orang lain tak kena pon. so i think i dont like the food either. oh and it irritates me how our languages are so similar yet so different. like kejap faham kejap tak faham each other you know. my friend said this is rude and kita kena blend in and all tapi kenapa orang indon datang malaysia, kita ckp slang indon dgn diorng and orang malaysia dtg indon kita still kena ckp slang indon dgn diorng. i mean why. just why. and theres nothing much there really. nature dia cantik la. but thats pretty much it. malaysia lagi best if u ask me. i'm sorry. my friend yang ikut was pretty sad when i told her this because i kept repeating that i miss malaysia and i wanted to go back when i was on that trip with her. sorry dude it's not because of you, im just not fond of the country. that trip was 6/10 for me.