I'm back.

So, it's been two years. It's scary how fast time flies. I'd like to think that I've changed, that I've become a better person. But I don't know. It's sad to say that I haven't. I'm still a coward who's terrified of speaking in public. I'm still constantly worried about my future. I haven't improved my relationship with God (in fact, I think it's gotten worse). And I'm still a loner in college. I spend most of my time alone. And dare I say I'm more of a loner in college compared to when I'm in high school. Even though college is supposed to be a place where you meet lots of different people. Well, you do. But it's actually harder to retain friendships in college. You don't spend a lot of time together and you're not forced to spend time together (unlike in school where you're forced to meet the same faces everyday for a year).

I've realized something. I know why I wasn't consistent in writing in this blog. It's because I always think in tangents. I don't have a specific topic to write about so I end up blabbering nonsense about nothing and everything and then when I re-read what I wrote, I hate it and I don't post it.

Ok I've decided. I'm going to post this. And I'm going to write more in the future and post it, I promise. It doesn't matter if I think in tangents. It doesn't matter if it doesn't make any sense and it doesn't matter if no one reads my posts. I'm going to write and post anything I want. Yeah. I'll do that.

So I just finished a call with my friend who's in Guangzhou now. Before that I was talking to two of my friends who's studying in the UK and I kind of made a promise with one of them to start writing again this year. We kind of turned it into a challenge to write at least one post a month. We'll see how that goes.

Back to my friend who's in Guangzhou now. She has some issues with her visa application so she can't come back to Malaysia at the moment. Now you might wonder how I'm friends with such a person. I believe she's 100% Malaysian by heart. But unfortunately she's not a citizen of Malaysia, legally, which sucks because she's so much more Malaysian than any Malaysian I know. I tried helping her ask for citizenship at the Immigration once, but they refused her application saying she's not working yet. Not trying to be racist tapi aku tak tahu macam mana orang2 indon and bangla senang sangat dapat kewarganegaraan. My friend was born in Malaysia and she grew up in Malaysia and have been living in Malaysia all her life. Why is it so hard to get citizenship??

 She used to study ACCA at Sunway. That's how I'm friends with her. She already passed all her papers and is now currently job hunting but she had to go back to China for a while because of visa issues. I really wish I could help but there's only so much I can do. I can only pray for her now. I really hope she gets a job in Malaysia and can continue living here. And I hope she can get her Malaysian citizenship soon too.

Anyway, the new semester starts in 2 days. Yeah, my friend finished ACCA and I'm still stuck for another semester. I hope I don't drag this on for too long.

Today is the first day of the new year and I'm feeling hopeful and terrified of what's to come. I'm not going to post my new year's resolution here or anywhere because it's lame (not like I have that many). Oh, and I'm excited to vote for the first time this year.

That's all I guess for the first post since 2015 lol.

I hope 2018 treats everyone and myself well. Ameen.

Limitless.

What's wrong with falling down?
You can always stand up again.
When I look up at the sky after falling down
I can see that the sky is stretching limitlessly
the sky is smiling at me
and I truly realize
I'm alive

Everyday blessings.

For the eyes I get to open today
the legs I used to walk to class
the hands I moved to write my notes
the fresh air I breathe without having to pay anything
the smiles my family gives me
the concern looks my friends offer when exams are around the corner
the roof that shelters me from sun and rain
the food and water I can swallow
the endless sky I get to see
and sometimes the unexpected kindness from strangers

Alhamdulillah
Thank you Allah.

Live on.

I really don't want to say things like
I want to go back to how things were before
People shouldn't dwell on the past
It's enough to try your best for all that you're doing right now
That's why
I'll recognize who I am right now
and I will continue to live on

Glad tidings.

Sometimes
I feel
sad
unmotivated
jealous
unappreciated
suffocated
stressed

and

lost in the crowd

but

"And give good tidings to those who believe and do righteous deeds that they will have gardens [in Paradise] beneath which rivers flow. Whenever they are provided with a provision of fruit therefrom, they will say, "This is what we were provided with before." And it is given to them in likeness. And they will have therein purified spouses, and they will abide therein eternally." (al-Quran 2:25)

Words.

I'm not good with words.
Really, I'm not.

I'm the type of person that has to think hard about what to say before I say them.
That's why whenever someone's having a conversation with me,
there's always an unusual amount of awkward silences.

Yesterday, I was in a conversation with my junior and I was trying to explain something very important to her. But because I had an exam earlier and my mind was preoccupied with all the tax computation and gratuities, reliefs, deductions, exemptions, capital allowances, definitions etc.. I didn't exactly had enough time to think about what to say to my junior. So I ended up just telling her whatever that pops up in my head about the subject matter. I didn't realize she was so sharp until she told me, "Kenapa Kak Tiqah macam serabut sangat ni?" She said it while smiling and it really caught me off guard. I didn't think I was that obvious. So I dismissed her question and told her she was imagining it and maybe I was just tired from the exam and I quickly changed the subject, or continued what we were talking about to be exact. But the whole time I was with her, she actually told me three times that I looked 'serabut'. And I swear I was trying my hardest to laugh and say noooooo I'm not why do you keep saying that.

It made me think and truly understand that I'm seriously not good with words. I hate being caught off guard. I hate when people suddenly ask about my opinion (If you do happen to ask me, please give me time to think about it haha. It's not that I don't have a stand but I just need time to put it into words). And I don't know if this is really related, but I especially hate impromptu speeches.

Needless to say, I'm an introvert through and through. Sometimes I'm proud of it and sometimes I'm not. Nevertheless, I like myself the way I am. To be honest, for me, it took a lot of time to appreciate myself because most of the time, I'm secretly questioning my personality and behavior, like why am I like this and why did I say that etc but what I did to overcome this is that I observe and appreciate other people and realize that everyone else is so unique and different and eventually come to the conclusion that I'm not so bad myself.

Ruang.

Do you ever feel lost sometimes?
Like you don't belong where you are right now.
Be it with your family or your friends or your classmates or where you're studying or working?
And you feel like you just need to back off a little bit
to find and fit into your own space.

I'm kind of feeling like that right now.

Late bloomers.

I think everybody has their strengths and weaknesses.
Even the most perfect people that we think are perfect
they're not.
Everybody has something they're not good at.
There are people that are less talented than you
but work harder than you.

You have to let go of all the other things that are holding you back
Like your confidence
what other people think of you
your past
or your uncertain future

Don't worry about those things
Just do it.

'Cause some people learn late
Some people are late bloomers in certain things
sometimes even in things that they have to do.

That's why
you just have to work harder to get there.

Tripped.

We feared a future we couldn't see
tripped over our past
and had doubts
Even so..
how on earth
would we manage
to get to where we are
without a single misstep?

Overwhelmed.

It all happened so fast that I still can't even comprehend it.

Last 2 Fridays, abah called and told me that Yasayan Peneraju Pendidikan Bumiputera was recruiting students to apply for their PPAM (Peneraju Professional Akauntan Muda) programme . I was like 'what? kena ke?' but my wonderful dad tried to convince me that it was a good opportunity and insists that I try it out. So I did. And the thing he most emphasized on was that 'elaun sebulan rm550 you know'. You see, my dad is kind of in a financially tight situation right now since my sister who's currently studying in Melbourne, doing her Masters, was not able to land a scholarhship (so terpaksa self-sponsor). But my sister is planning to pay back kat ayah aku la bila dah kerja nanti. And maybe dia akan cuba cari scholarship lain while studying.

So ok la, aku ikut cakap ayah aku and tried to understand and like he said, it is a good oppurtunity. Weekend tu, kumpul2 documents semua and terus submit. Hari selasa terus dipanggil interview. There was also an English and Maths assessment test. Lepas interview dia terus bagi result. and whaddaya know. I got it (alhamdulillah). Interview tu serious tak macam interview sangat. Org tu yang banyak cakap. Aku hanya mengiyakan. haha

Candidates ada 4 je and semua dapat. Takde competition I guess and peneraju memang nak orang kot. Actually based on my observation, not many malays are willing to study in Sunway la, even on a scholarship. Sebab memang mostly chinese and sangat sosial (based on my 3 days experience here haha). They're not bad people. Tapi disebabkan aku ni ex-iium, so nampak ketara sangat la perbezaan dia. Aku ada jumpe scholar Mara, studying the same programme as me tapi dia June intake. Dia kata Mara ada bagi offer buat ACCA kat sunway kat 11 orang tak silap and only 4 people accepted. nampak tak?

Anyway, after the interview, I had to quickly make a decision to accept the offer or not. Trust me, I thought a lot about it, malam tu pon tidur pukul 3. Aku fikir yang aku patut accept la because its ACCA man. jangan main2. almost fully sponsored, dapat kurangkan beban ayah aku haha. and I also kind of want to try out at a new place. Rasa macam uia tu comfort zone sangat. Dah la dapat 2 tahun foundation, laaagi la relax. Ok bukan la tak bersyukur tapiiii ntah la susah nak cakap. Aku takut jadi spoiled you know, nanti masuk degree terkejut pulak. The next day, aku skip kelas accounting, pergi CFS one stop centre untuk settlekan things utk withdraw. That took a few days jugak. Kena jumpa department tu department ni. And elaun yang dapat untuk sem ni kena bayar balik T_T sbb tak habis sem lagi. Redha je . Hari jumaat tu, pergi outing dengan classmates (tak pernah pergi outing dengan diorang ok haha). Salam2, peluk2, tangkap2 gambar. Esoknya terus ciao. T_T

the next week on Monday, datang Sunway, settlekan agreement semua. Then on Wednesday baru masuk dia punya hostel and ada orientation dia sekali. Masa tengahari tu Accounting Club ada buat ice breaking sikit la untuk new intake ni. Main game je memanjang. Aku rasa macam mengarut gila, Suruh menari, menyanyi, punishment game kena chicken dance, main rock-paper-scissors, duduk laki pompuan dekat2. I was like, OKAAAAY.. Ada la part yang interesting, but in the end rasa useless jugak. Tak berkesan untuk memecahkan ice sangat pon.

On Thursday dah start kelas. Class aku ada 14 orang and 3 orang je Melayu. 4 Indian and the rest are Chinese. They're very nice, friendly and hard-working people. Tapi mungkin ice tu belum betul2 break lagi..

For those who don't know, ACCA stands for Association of Chartered Certified Accountant. but because I don't officially have any basics in Accounting (belajar sikit2 kat UIA je), kena ambil CAT (Certified Accounting Technician) dulu which is like Foundation in Accounting. Selalunya ACCA ni orang ambil lepas degree. Tapi takpe la, tak perlu ikut orang kan. ACCA is actually not a degree but almost the same level. If you want a degree, you have to get good results then they'll let you write a thesis to be submitted to Oxford Brookes University so kalau ok, boleh dapat degree drpd Oxford Brookes tu la, iAllah.

Benda yang paling sedih untuk tinggalkan kat UIA is tarbiyyah and suasana dia. Kat UIA program2 tarbiyyah almost setiap malam ada. Tak susah nak cari. And suasana dia buat kau nak jadi baik. Sentiasa akan ada support. Not that kat Sunway is the opposite tapi frequency dia memang undeniably kurang. Kena pandai jaga diri. Tapi ye la, in life, when you get something, for some reason, you're sure to lose something else. You just can't have everything. And that is for the best. Sunatullah. Allah knows what He's doing since He created us and He knows what's best for us.

Aku harapkan satu je bila pindah ni, supaya aku, islam, dakwah dan tarbiyyah takkan terpisah. Because without Allah, without islam, without tarbiyyah, anything else won't have any meaning. Jadi aku sangat2 berharap supaya aku tak lalai, tak futur dan tak sampai satu tahap dimana aku rasa terbeban untuk meneruskan dakwah dan tarbiyyah. Ameen!