Cobaan.

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Aku rasa result kali ni memang teruk. Teruk sampai nak nangis. Rasa nak nangis sampai tak terkeluar air mata. Biasalah orang akan kata, takpe. usaha lagi. SPM ada.
Aku sendiri pon memang tengah convincekan diri sendiri untuk mencari hikmah. Sebab apa2 yang berlaku kat kita ni mesti ada hikmah. Mesti ada sesuatu yang Allah nak ajar aku ni. Agak obvious la Allah nak suruh aku kuatkan usaha. Allah nak suruh aku rendah hati. Sebab aku tahu sebenarnya jauh dalam hati aku ni, I feel that tinyyyy bit of arrogance in my heart masa dapat result untuk periksa sebelum2 ni. Macam la result bagus2 yang aku dapat sebelum ni 100% usaha aku sendiri kan.

Salah.
Result yang bagus2 semua datang dari Allah.
Reuslt yang tak bagus, though it's hard to admit, is actually salah kita sendiri.
Arrogant. Malas. Lemah.
Bila aku betul2 realize mana silap aku, memang rasa macam satu tamparan hebat kena tepat kat muka. Yang ni baru terkeluar air mata. Memang la vexing tengok orang lain dapat result gempak2. But you have no one to blame but yourself, oh dear me.

"Stop feeling disappointed. The best thing you can do now is to learn from your mistakes, don't repeat them and work harder"

"Sometimes, Allah menguji at our weakest point"

"It's okay to be sad..yang penting kita bangkit daripada kesedihan tu dan teruskan usaha"

"Jangan berhenti berdoa. Jangan putus asa daripada rahmat Allah. Hanya Allah yang boleh mengizinkan sesuatu tu berlaku"

"Yakin dengan diri sendiri. Terus berusaha. Jangan bagi ruang kat syaitan untuk downkan kita"

Dah takde masa nak main2. Dah takde masa nak pandang belakang. Walau sakit dan takut macam mana pon diri ini, kena terus pandang ke hadapan.

Ya Allah, kuatkan hatiku. Permudahkan segala urusanku.

The Most Forgiving.

I am so scared for the day I have to stand before my Master

A day when no excuse can be given 

A day when all truth will be revealed

A day when I am accountable for all my actions

This is the day of justice

of punishment

of forgiveness

and this is the day 

of His Mercy

I am convinced that if we sincerely seek for Allah's Forgiveness 

He will forgive us

But I still feel like I don't have any guts to own up to my own faults on that Day. 

Oh Allah, forgive me. 

Stay strong.

I feel like my heart has gotten hard and cold.

Why is it so hard for me to shed tears for you, ya Allah?

I want to love You.

I want to fear You and only You.

Perhaps, my heart is tainted.

If it was truly full of love for you, ya Allah,

surely there would be no room for fear and despair.

I feel like I'm faking it.

Like I'm just forcing myself. 

It's just so hard.

So hard to be true to myself.

It may not be hard for you,

but it is for me.

But behind this 'fake' me,

I want to believe 

that there's a real me 

who wants to go back

and repent.

I want to work hard.

I want His love and mercy.

I want to believe

that I'll always have a second chance.

I don't want to be naive,

but believing that is one of the main things

that keeps me going.

There is no such thing
as a bed full of roses
because even roses
have thorns.
Even so,
I keep going because
I believe in Allah's promise.

Islam will win.

Even if it's not much,

I want to be a part 

of the people

who brings victory to Islam.

Ya Allah,

I know it'll be hard.. but help me stay strong.

Help my family and friends stay strong.

Stay strong on this road.

On this road...

to You.

Tidak mengerti.

Ya Allah
mengapa aku masik tidak mengerti
mengapa aku masih tercari-cari
walau kebenaran itu
terpampang di depan mata

Ya Allah
aku hanyalah seorang hamba
aku hanyalah seorang manusia
aku tidak lari daripada melakukan kesilapan
dan aku tidak sempurna

Tetapi
wahai diriku
cukupkah engkau dengan amal yang kau laksanakan ini
cukupkah sekadar mengatakan aku sudah berada di jalan ini
cukupkah sekadar itu?

wahai diri yang masih naif
sedarlah
jalan ini masih panjang
tidak cukup untuk engkau mengatakan
aku sudah banyak menyumbang
kerna sememangnya
ianya masih belum cukup
ia tidak akan cukup
sehingga akhir hayatmu

teruslah berusaha
usah toleh ke belakang
bantu sahabat-sahabat di sisimu
dan jangan terlebih kasihan dengan jahiliyyah
yang telah kau tinggalkan

banggalah
dengan apa yang kau ada

semoga terus tsabat.

The people.

For some people, talking in front of an audience comes naturally for them. I'm not one of those people.
I'm one of those people that have to actually take a few minutes to gather all my courage and pour it in one single presentation. I'm the type that repeats a few times the things I want to say in my head before saying them out loud. I plan these things. Because if I don't, I'll panic.

I admit I do get jealous of those people that can simply grab a mic and talk. At first, it was admiration. Later on, it becomes envy and I feel so pathetic. I feel like I'm not good enough.

What can I do to get rid of these feelings?

Practice.

It's not as easy as it sounds but there's no short-cut in achieving something.
Actually, the one thing I'm afraid of is the audience. I don't know if I can handle what 'the people' might say. That's why it's so hard to even try sometimes.
But really, who am I trying to impress? The people or the One?
Yang penting bukanlah level kita di mata manusia tapi level kita di mata Allah kan?

Words hurt.

I can forgive you.
I can effortlessly pretend nothing happened.
I can easily smile and accept your flaws.
I can always keep it a secret from everyone we know.
I can help you cover your guilt.
I can occupy my thoughts with all the good things you've done.
I can try to see beyond your mistakes.
I can be who you want me to be when I'm with you.

But how can I possibly forget that painful feeling when I found out that you, someone important to me, hurt another important person of mine?
Isn't she important to you too?
Do you seriously think that words can be forgotten so easily?
Forgiven, maybe.
But forgotten?
It'll take another 1000 years of good deeds to pull that one off.

Words hurt.

So please... think twice before you say anything. Especially when you're angry or in a bad mood.

Berkata baik atau diam... right?
=)

Rapuh.

Kita sentiasa mengharapkan yang terbaik. Kita selalu berdoa dan meminta yang terbaik. Sehinggakan kadang-kadang kita terlupa adakah kita berhak mendapat yang terbaik?
Tetapi, kita hanya manusia biasa... yang tidak pernah lari daripada kesilapan...kerana iman yang sangat fragile dan boleh pecah bila-bila masa jika tidak dijaga dengan baik dan dilindungi dengan sesuatu yang kuat. Kerana itulah, iman perlu sentiasa dibajai dengan rasa bertuhan dan amal yang istiqamah.

 “Dan orang-orang yang berjihad untuk (mencari keredhaan) Kami, benar-benar akan Kami tunjukkan kepada mereka jalan-jalan Kami. Dan sesungguhnya Allah benar-benar beserta orang yang berbuat baik.”(Al-Ankabut:69)

Always there.

Its not Allah that leaves us, it's us humans that leave Him and turn away.

Sabda Rasulullah
Allah Berfirman.... Wahai hambaKu, ketahuilah bahawa Aku sentiasa berada dalam sangkaanmu, dan Aku ada bersamamu ketika kamu menyebutKu. Bila kamu menyebut-Ku dalam dirimu, Aku menyebutmu dalam Diri-Ku. Bila kamu menyebut-Ku dalam khalayak ramai, Aku menyebutmu dalam khalayak yang lebih baik daripada itu. Bila kamu mendekat kepada-Ku satu jengkal, Aku mendekat kepadamu satu hasta. Bila kamu mendekat kepada-Ku satu hasta, Aku mendekat kepadamu satu depa. Bila kamu datang kepada-Ku dengan berjalan kaki, Aku datang kepadamu berlari-lari. (Riwayat Bukhari)

If we walk towards Allah, He runs to us. =')
He's always there for us, always waiting for us to get back to Him if we've gone astray.
He is The Most Forgiving and The Most Merciful.
It is never too late to turn back to Allah.
It will only be too late when it's the end of your life.
And if you've already repented and still make mistakes, just repent again!
Check your intentions and do things wholeheartedly because of Allah.

May Allah guide us all to the right path.
Ameen.

Time changes everyone.

Tak sangka aku dah hidup selama 16 tahun dan 7 bulan. Rasa macam budak-budak lagi. Rasa macam tak cukup matang. Rasa macam tak bersedia nak keluar sekolah. Rasa macam masih tak cukup yakin dan tak cukup pengamalan untuk berhadapan dengan society yang... agak menakutkan dan sangat mencabar.

Setiap hari umurku semaking meningkat, aku lihat semua perubahan2 yang berlaku di sekelilingku... benda2 kecik macam brand handphone yang mak ayah aku pakai sampailah benda2 besar macam perubahan kawan2 aku yang dah lama tak jumpa or something like that.

We grow older, friends change, we see the things we see everyday differently, we think differently, our interests change and so on and so forth. Honestly, I'm at my wits end in figuring out what my future is going to be like. I don't know what I want. Of course, I want to be a good person. I want to chase Jannah. I want to marry a good person and be a good wife and mom. I want to continue giving and bringing good to this world. But once I'm out of school... I'm not sure I can do it alone. I know I have my friends with me, but there some things in this world that we just gotta figure it out ourselves. We may need others' help (and I have awesome friends and family that are happy to help me out) but in the end...it's our decision.

It's our life. We, ourselves, choose where its heading.
Right?

Ya Allah, please help me make the right decisions.
Ameen.

Sesat dalam cahaya.

Kadang-kadang, rasa macam hati ini gelap. Walaupun dah nampak cahaya, hati tetap rasa tertutup. Iman down. Futur. Malas. Menangguhkan taubat. Benci sangat diriku yang seperti ini. Rasa macam nak campak luar tingkap je.
...If only it was as easy as that.
Tapi tidak. Tidak semudah itu. Nak mencari cahaya tu satu hal. Nak stay dalam cahaya pon satu hal jugak. Cahaya yang tak seterang mana ni macam duduk di tengah-tengah kegelapan yang sentiasa mencuba untuk memadam cahaya tu. So kita sebagai orang yang telah berada dalam cahaya, kenalah outshine kegelapan disekeliling kita ni kan? Supaya cahaya ini tidak terpadam.
Sesungguhnya orang yang sesat dalam cahaya ni tersangatlah rugi. RUGI.
YaAllah, aku tak nak berada dalam kalangan orang yang rugi. Tak nak. Tak nak. Tak nak.
Bantulah aku Ya Allah. Kuatkanlah aku Ya Allah.