Infatuation.

 I just found out that my crush is not available. My friend helped me ask another friend who knows my crush to ask him whether or not he already has a girlfriend. And the answer was that he's not available. 

Wow. Aku dah lama takde crush. Tak buat apa2 lagi dah heartbroken. Haha. If I were to describe how I'm feeling right now, it would be that I'm sad but not completely heartbroken? It was a very short-lived crush. At this point of time, I still haven't decided whether I actually like him or I'm just infatuated with him. I hope it's just infatuation and I can just move on. Putting aside how I feel about him, I think he's a good friend and a great conversation partner so yeah, all's good maybe? 

To be honest, this is all very exhausting. Getting to know a person is exhausting. The overthinking and the fantasies of what it's like if he were to like me back. I feel like I'm 15 again. And being 15 was not a good time in my life that I'd like to remember. 

Haih apa2 lah. Hidup mesti diteruskan.

Checking in.

Again, ke laut nak update pasal audit life. Haha
I don't know. Selalu malas nak tulis pasal hidup kat sini. Tapi bila baca balik post2 lama I'd think 'Why didn't I write more'.

I've been trying to search for other jobs these past few weeks but it's soooo hard to even land an in interview. Not surprising with everything that's going on. But that doesn't stop me from feeling miserable about myself. Like aku tak cukup bagus ke and all that jazz. For now, I'll just have to continue what I'm doing... eventhough I actually DREAD having to recur for previous clients which is 95% usually what happens here.

See, the reason I initially joined audit in the first place was coz a lot of my seniors and lecturers said it's a good stepping stone to explore the industry that you want to venture into and it gives you a big exposure on the various industries available on the market. But at this point I just think 'what's the point of all this exposure if I'll end up just focusing on one later on'. And it's not really that big of an exposure. It's more 'touch and go' and depends on your luck. Some people just keep getting audit jobs for manufacturing companies so they eventually end up jumping to commercial in that kind of industry. So in the end don't we all just 'go with the flow'? And this is the kind of answer they tell us not to give during interviews? We're all hypocrites.

Speaking of interviews. I hate them so much. I hate pretending to be someone else. I don't know how to be honest and not honest at the same time. Kalau ikutkan hati, tak nak kerja pon ok. The honest HONEST answer is I'm doing this to pay the bills and to survive. And accounting is just something I happened to study and get a qualification in so thats why I'm even here applying for this position. THAT'S MY HONEST ANSWER. But no, we're expected to say things like 'I want to learn and grow in this field/organization' and  'I believe I have the necessary skills to contribute to the growth of this organization' etc. It's so exhausting having to come up with these kind of answers.

I wonder who made up these words like professionalism, corporates and capitalism. Sometimes I wish I lived in a time where these things don't exist, when we still lived in small communities and had each other's backs no matter what happened. Now we're all just stuck in this stupid rat race and making a fool of ourselves. Ok I don't know where I'm going with this. Bye.

Off peak

So I have been unassigned for 6 weeks now. Being unassigned means you don't have any clients that you are assigned to. I'm guessing it's because it's off peak now. Most of Deloitte's clients have a 31 December financial year end and most of these companies must sign off their accounts latest by 30 June the following year. That's why we're all quite free after June lol

Granted, some people are still assigned. If we get clients after June it's usually for companies who have March/June/Sept year end. Listed companies rarely have year ends other than December so most of March/June/Sept year end clients are private entities. So the workload isn't as heavy. But I've never been assigned to a listed company before so I wouldn't know the difference.

So what have I been doing for the past 6 weeks you ask? Nothing!
I follow up previous jobs, I do some e-learning here and there, but most of the time I skip work and stay at home or hangout with friends. How am I able to do this? Because Deloitte's so big. It has over 2000 employees. Nobody notices if I don't come to office except some of my friends from work. But they usually do the same thing as well so we all just keep quiet and cover each other's asses lol. We don't have a 'punch card' system so no need to punch in and out on time. Instead, we use a timesheet system which is done online. Usually I just charge 8 hours everyday whether I come early go back late or come late go back early.

When it's busy season, it's normal to go back late but it's hard to charge overtime because the process is quite tedious. You have to get manager's approval and you have to justify the extra time that you charge coz all this extra time costs the firm money. And if you charge more time, more often than not it signifies inefficiency. So personally I don't really charge overtime even when I go back and still have to open my laptop and do work because I get free time during off peak like this anyway lol

I'll be assigned two weeks from now and I'll be booked until June next year but I'll have a few weeks that I'm unassigned in between jobs which is good. Better than the last peak period where I'm booked job after job after job. Super exhausting coz you always have to follow up previous jobs even after you have to go in a new client.

Hmm that's it for now. Moving forward, I'm thinking of writing more about my job in Deloitte (hopefully) so I can look back and pat myself on the back for surviving my days here after I switch jobs in the future inshaAllah hehehe. Adios.

Life update.

I have started working for 4 weeks now. And to be completely honest, it's so bland. I'm still learning the ropes. My laptop lags all the time and it makes me want to throw it out the window. I feel so dumb and constantly afraid of asking stupid questions. I try to ask questions all the time because EVERYONE emphasizes the importance of doing so. But I regret asking each time. I feel like the more I ask the more I don't understand and I feel like I'm bothering my seniors who already have so much on their plates. I don't know what to do. I'm starting to think maybe audit isn't for me. Audit is so unpredictable because each engagement, each audit team and each client is different. It's not routine. Some might think it's interesting and challenging. But I don't see myself staying here for very long. Maybe I'm more suited doing routine kind of work. 

The question no one knows the answer to.

I thought I’d feel better after I’ve finished all my exam papers and being done with ACCA. This is what I've prayed for since I started this long journey. But when I've reached the end, I'm at a lost as what I should do next. Well, humans are greedy and selfish after all. The sense of accomplishment and satisfaction didn’t even last a week. I’m back to square one. I don’t know where to go or what to do from now on with my life. I'm feeling the exact same way I felt when I finished my SPM. Life is just this never ending cycle of change and uncertainty. It's always a question of 'what's next?'. When will anything ever be enough?

Maybe I'm not being grateful. Or maybe I'm just searching for the wrong things. Have I not matured at all in all these years?

To belong.

Gazing at the rain,
I consider what it means to belong,
to become part of something
to have someone cry for me.
from someplace distant,
so very distant.
from ultimately, a dream.
no matter how far I reach out
no matter how fast I run
I'll never make it.

Why would anyone want to cry for me?

update

omg ke laut plan nak update blog ni every month. hm

results for my june exam is coming out tomorrow but i know i'm going to fail so if anyone asks me about my results i'm gonna tell them to ask me again in october. lol

anyway, i'm currently working as a student helper in sunway. and what i have to do is to rearrange the content of the F8 textbook based on a course outline that someone else has done and also i have to make a summary for each chapter using powerpoint. sounds pretty simple but it takes so much time. i'm not complaining though. at least i'm getting paid even though it's not that much and i have to wait a month after i finish the whole thing before i get my pay. but again i'm not complaining. at least i have something to do. i'm a bit worried though because i probably have to start studying again for the september exams...  guess i'll worry about that later. 

so i went to jogja and bandung last week (5th to 11 July). i had fun but overall, i didn't like indonesia very much. the people are rude, the road is always busy and banyak sangat motor. serious banyak sangat. kereta2 pulak suka hon. stress weh. i also got food poisoning. i think its just my stomach though because orang lain tak kena pon. so i think i dont like the food either. oh and it irritates me how our languages are so similar yet so different. like kejap faham kejap tak faham each other you know. my friend said this is rude and kita kena blend in and all tapi kenapa orang indon datang malaysia, kita ckp slang indon dgn diorng and orang malaysia dtg indon kita still kena ckp slang indon dgn diorng. i mean why. just why. and theres nothing much there really. nature dia cantik la. but thats pretty much it. malaysia lagi best if u ask me. i'm sorry. my friend yang ikut was pretty sad when i told her this because i kept repeating that i miss malaysia and i wanted to go back when i was on that trip with her. sorry dude it's not because of you, im just not fond of the country. that trip was 6/10 for me. 

im sorry. too lazy to update on the story in penang (the motorbike incident). biar terkubur dalam memori je eh haha

damaged goods.

I dont believe that people can truly understand each other. One might say that perhaps we can get to know someone and understand them better through time and I agree but i still dont believe that people can truly one hundred percent understand another human being.

 Even at this point in my life I cant say that I have ever truly understood anyone i've ever met, including my parents who I have known all my life. 

I recently fought with a friend who I have known for 12 years but have been close friends with for almost 5 years. The circumstances in which made me fight with her is a long story. I'll write about it in a seperate post (in malay probably coz I am just so frustrated about the whole thing and lagi best marah2 dalam BM kot lol) 

We fought about how I was being a heartless human being and how I should care more about others and take responsibility for my actions. She, by nature, is a very trusting person and has a gigantic sense of responsibility. Ok I said I'm going to write about it in a separate post but basically what happened was we got into a minor accident with a motorbike. She was in the car with me while I was driving.

So after we called the ambulance and the guy was brought to the hospital, we went to the hospital too to return his helmet and key which we picked up at the scene. We saw the guy and he said he was waiting for his xtray. My friend asked him what we should do with his stuff and he said to keep it first, which I think is dumb because why would we want to hold onto a stranger's personal belongings. But my friend was being all responsible and insist we hold on to it to show that we care and will take responsibility. That triggered me because what??? You're saying I'm not being responsible just because I REFUSE to hold to SOME GUY I DONT EVEN KNOW punya kunci motor and helmet?? Dah visit dia kat hospital bawak kunci ngan helmet and cari parking sampai setengah jam kat hospital tu tak cukup responsible ke??

Ok sorry that's besides the point.

Anyway because of us holding onto his stuff, something else happened later which I will write in a separate post i promiseeee

What I actually wanted to say was that I've never fought with her like this before and it kind of made me question how much I knew her and how much she knew me. 

Tapi sebenarnya dah lama fikir pasal this whole humans cant understand each other semua ni. I think that's partly why I have trust issues and why I like to be by myself. Because I always have a hard time figuring out what other people think and I just dont understand peoplee. But the most concerning thing is how I dont understand myself. And I spend 24 hours a day with myself! How can someone else say they understand me when I dont understand myself? And how do I understand others when I dont understand myself because you know I spend 24 hours with myself and barely any time with others. dang its all so complicated and PROBABLY unnecessary to think about. 

but but BUT! I have realized something important after the whole fiasco with that motorbike guy which is it's PERFECTLY OKAY to not truly understand another person. My parents was also involved a lot in this incident because I called my dad and asked for help. And they did a lot for me and my friend to handle the whole case. Which made me realize that love and trust doesn't come from completely understanding someone. Because you won't ever completely understand someone anyway. Humans change all the time. And we do a lot of shit to the ones we love ALL THE TIMEE. But I think what makes human relationships beautiful is how despite ALL OF OUR FLAWS AND how DAMAGED we are and despite not understanding each other, we still find reasons to trust, love and stay by someone's side. 

So despite my friend being such a pain in the neck( dont worry, I'm most likely a pain to her too), I still love her and wouldn't want to lose her as a friend (Hope she does too). And despite me being such a troublesome kid to my parents and wasting a lot of their money, I know they will always continue to worry for me and won't ever turn their backs on me. 

ranting about failure.

Here’s what ran through my mind when I checked my results.

P2: Fail. Huh. I did better than I thought (even though I failed). I thought I totally screwed up Section A. 30 marks for preparing a consolidated statement of profit and loss. Ada foreign exchange pulak tu. Serious tak boleh brain topic tu. That and financial instruments are my biggest weak points. I don’t know what I answered, really. Section B pon was pretty bad. I covered the entire syllabus but I was so disappointed in myself. Soalan pasal IAS 36 impairment yang usually masuk every sitting pon I didn’t answer it confidently. So gone case lah.

I did expect to fail P2. But who in their right mind will PLAN to fail? No one. So it was still disappointing and sad.

I continued to slowly scroll down.

P7 macam ada harapan sikit because I didn’t blank out like I did in P2. So in my head I was like “ please please please let me pass P7 at least. Nak repeat dua2 P paper sakit dooo”.

But to my utter dismay, I failed that paper too. And it’s a marginal fail at that. Sakitnya hatiiii.

I didn’t cry at first. But I spent like an hour on the bed thinking about why I failed, what went wrong (yes I’ve asked myself this like a MILLION times so don’t blame me when I get slightly pissed off when other people ask me if I know what went wrong and suggest that I do a list la apa la so that I can, you know, tackle my weaknesses or something. I know they mean well but PLEASE JUST STOPP it’s so uncomfortable) what I should do, how I should tell my parents, yada3.

I snapped a screenshot of my results and sent it to my parents (to which I put an “I’m sorry” caption) and a few close friends. Then my mom replied “It’s okay Tiqah, I’m sure you’ve tried your best”. That’s when I burst into tears and thought “I’ve really disappointed them”. Even my dad was like "It's ok Tiqah. Jangan stress. It's not the end of the world". I didn't want them to get mad at me but them being nice about it actually made me feel more guilty. Disappointing myself wasn’t a big deal but I felt like I really deserve a punch in the face for disappointing my parents. They don’t say it but I’m sure they were hoping for me to pass everything in one shot. I could sense it when I failed P3 last time. But this time they’ve gotten more understanding (and probably realized that ACCA is hard and I’m just your average joe yang takde harapan nak dapat world prize ke apa.  Dah la pemalas *sigh*)

Before I started doing ACCA, I hear all these stories about people failing and how that’s a norm in this course. And that’s terrifying. But I still did it anyway because I also hear a lot of stories where people pass all their papers in one shot, no repeats. So, I went in and did ACCA hoping I could be like those people. Unfortunately, things didn’t turn out like I’d hoped. I know, hope isn’t enough to help you pass. It’s not like I didn’t work hard. But yeah, maybe I didn’t work hard enough (How much is enough though ughh).

Passing all your papers in one shot is extremely doable. Four of my friends (3 are just acquaintances actually) recently passed their last paper (yes they passed everything on their first attempt) and have already started working. For the average student though, selalunya ada la dua tiga paper jugak sangkut. Tapi sangkut2 pon, ramai je yang dah habis. BUT I also have a few other acquaintances or classmates yang tengah repeat paper yang sama for like the fourth time. ACCA has people from from both ends of the spectrum (on one hand, passing everything in one shot and on the other hand repeating over and over) and I don't know where I am on that spectrum. I did quite well for my fundamental papers but since I started my professional papers, everything just went downhill. So far, I’ve only passed one P paper on my first attempt. To be honest, dah fed up gile. But I can’t stop now. I’m almost there huhu

Yesterday, I heard from a friend that this one classmate of ours, he repeated F8 (an audit paper) 10 times until he finally passed on his 10th attempt. I was like you gotta be kidding me. How does he still have the strength to continue. You have to admire his perseverance wehh!! Tak rasa ke orang yang pass at his/her third or fourth or whatever attempt lagi terer daripada orang yang pass everything at his/her first attempt? I mean orang yang pass everything first attempt is amazing in his/her own way jugak but I really do admire the people who never gave up.

Because I know how it feels. Failing never feels good. It throws your motivation down the drain. And it takes a lot of strength and effort to get back on track. Anyway, I didn't get to be one of those people who never failed a paper. But now I hope, at the end of the day, I'll become one of those people who never gave up, inshaAllah.

Although it's not much (ape lah sangat ujian fail paper ni), can't wait to see how I'll grow from this experience :)