Who are we to decide if someone is happy or unhappy? Why do we always tend to judge other people's choices based on conventional standards?
I've come to realize that no matter how much I consult people on the decisions I'm about to make or decisions I'm avoiding to make, in the end, I will be the one to live with it's consequences. But then, why do I still care so much about what other people think? Why does what other people think still effect my decisions? Is it because I think that some people have more experience than I do? Is it because our pathways in life are so similar? I'm so scared to make the wrong choices. But what is wrong and what is right? I don't know anymore. I suppose I should take time and sit down and properly go through whatever choices I have before I make them. I think at the end of the day, there are no good or bad choices. There are just choices and it's just a part of life. You have to choose because it is impossible to do everything all at once. And it is impossible to puaskan hati semua orang. In the first place, there is no need to puaskan hati semua orang sangat. This is your life. And that is their lives. I have no say in what they do with it. And they should have no say in what I do with my life.
Today was promotion day. I didn't get promoted last year. I was quite dejected about it but I thought maybe it wasn't my time. But today I got promoted. I'm happy but at the same time, without helping it, I compared myself to other people who got double promoted. My company was more generous with their promotions this year so a lot of people got double promoted. But I didn't. It is such a shitty feeling. It's the same feeling as last year all over again. That feeling of I'm not good enough. What did they do that I didn't. Did they work that hard? Did I not work hard enough? Or did I just not show that I worked hard enough. I mean, who decides these things? You can't measure hard work. You're not God. You don't see the sleepless nights and all those hours people worked outside of working hours.
I always tell myself I never want to aim high. I want to be average. I don't want to put in so much extra work only to be given more work. Was the extra compensation worth all the sleepless nights and all the days filled with anxiety? Are my colleagues who got double promoted after working their asses off happy with their choices? Only they know right? I also know people who are like me, saying over and over again that they want to resign, but after one year, they're still here. Suddenly jumping to senior can be good or bad. Or maybe I shouldn't be so rigid about it. Of course your salary increments are high, but your workload will also increase. I'm sad that I didn't get that much salary increment but I don't know if I want to be given the extra workload. Are those people happy or scared or anxious or excited to be given new responsibilities? Do they think of it as a challenge and to improve their career, skills and all that? Or do they think it's a pain? I don't know.
I know I'm all over the place. I'm always like this. I don't know what my point is exactly but I guess I just wanted to console myself and tell myself that just because I think people are happy, maybe they're not. And just because I think they're sad, maybe they're not. Maybe they have other plans. Maybe this is what's best for them and maybe it's good timing for them. So maybe the fact that I didn't get double promoted does not undermine my efforts for the last one year and it should not mean that I am better or they are better. Or maybe it does mean that? I don't know! Maybe I'm just a bitter person.
But I just want to point out that one's salary or career or whether or not they got promoted does not define one's worth. We are not our work. I don't want to be identified by my work. But sometimes I wonder, if I were one of those excellent employees, would I still be able to think the same way?
