Tripped.

We feared a future we couldn't see
tripped over our past
and had doubts
Even so..
how on earth
would we manage
to get to where we are
without a single misstep?

Overwhelmed.

It all happened so fast that I still can't even comprehend it.

Last 2 Fridays, abah called and told me that Yasayan Peneraju Pendidikan Bumiputera was recruiting students to apply for their PPAM (Peneraju Professional Akauntan Muda) programme . I was like 'what? kena ke?' but my wonderful dad tried to convince me that it was a good opportunity and insists that I try it out. So I did. And the thing he most emphasized on was that 'elaun sebulan rm550 you know'. You see, my dad is kind of in a financially tight situation right now since my sister who's currently studying in Melbourne, doing her Masters, was not able to land a scholarhship (so terpaksa self-sponsor). But my sister is planning to pay back kat ayah aku la bila dah kerja nanti. And maybe dia akan cuba cari scholarship lain while studying.

So ok la, aku ikut cakap ayah aku and tried to understand and like he said, it is a good oppurtunity. Weekend tu, kumpul2 documents semua and terus submit. Hari selasa terus dipanggil interview. There was also an English and Maths assessment test. Lepas interview dia terus bagi result. and whaddaya know. I got it (alhamdulillah). Interview tu serious tak macam interview sangat. Org tu yang banyak cakap. Aku hanya mengiyakan. haha

Candidates ada 4 je and semua dapat. Takde competition I guess and peneraju memang nak orang kot. Actually based on my observation, not many malays are willing to study in Sunway la, even on a scholarship. Sebab memang mostly chinese and sangat sosial (based on my 3 days experience here haha). They're not bad people. Tapi disebabkan aku ni ex-iium, so nampak ketara sangat la perbezaan dia. Aku ada jumpe scholar Mara, studying the same programme as me tapi dia June intake. Dia kata Mara ada bagi offer buat ACCA kat sunway kat 11 orang tak silap and only 4 people accepted. nampak tak?

Anyway, after the interview, I had to quickly make a decision to accept the offer or not. Trust me, I thought a lot about it, malam tu pon tidur pukul 3. Aku fikir yang aku patut accept la because its ACCA man. jangan main2. almost fully sponsored, dapat kurangkan beban ayah aku haha. and I also kind of want to try out at a new place. Rasa macam uia tu comfort zone sangat. Dah la dapat 2 tahun foundation, laaagi la relax. Ok bukan la tak bersyukur tapiiii ntah la susah nak cakap. Aku takut jadi spoiled you know, nanti masuk degree terkejut pulak. The next day, aku skip kelas accounting, pergi CFS one stop centre untuk settlekan things utk withdraw. That took a few days jugak. Kena jumpa department tu department ni. And elaun yang dapat untuk sem ni kena bayar balik T_T sbb tak habis sem lagi. Redha je . Hari jumaat tu, pergi outing dengan classmates (tak pernah pergi outing dengan diorang ok haha). Salam2, peluk2, tangkap2 gambar. Esoknya terus ciao. T_T

the next week on Monday, datang Sunway, settlekan agreement semua. Then on Wednesday baru masuk dia punya hostel and ada orientation dia sekali. Masa tengahari tu Accounting Club ada buat ice breaking sikit la untuk new intake ni. Main game je memanjang. Aku rasa macam mengarut gila, Suruh menari, menyanyi, punishment game kena chicken dance, main rock-paper-scissors, duduk laki pompuan dekat2. I was like, OKAAAAY.. Ada la part yang interesting, but in the end rasa useless jugak. Tak berkesan untuk memecahkan ice sangat pon.

On Thursday dah start kelas. Class aku ada 14 orang and 3 orang je Melayu. 4 Indian and the rest are Chinese. They're very nice, friendly and hard-working people. Tapi mungkin ice tu belum betul2 break lagi..

For those who don't know, ACCA stands for Association of Chartered Certified Accountant. but because I don't officially have any basics in Accounting (belajar sikit2 kat UIA je), kena ambil CAT (Certified Accounting Technician) dulu which is like Foundation in Accounting. Selalunya ACCA ni orang ambil lepas degree. Tapi takpe la, tak perlu ikut orang kan. ACCA is actually not a degree but almost the same level. If you want a degree, you have to get good results then they'll let you write a thesis to be submitted to Oxford Brookes University so kalau ok, boleh dapat degree drpd Oxford Brookes tu la, iAllah.

Benda yang paling sedih untuk tinggalkan kat UIA is tarbiyyah and suasana dia. Kat UIA program2 tarbiyyah almost setiap malam ada. Tak susah nak cari. And suasana dia buat kau nak jadi baik. Sentiasa akan ada support. Not that kat Sunway is the opposite tapi frequency dia memang undeniably kurang. Kena pandai jaga diri. Tapi ye la, in life, when you get something, for some reason, you're sure to lose something else. You just can't have everything. And that is for the best. Sunatullah. Allah knows what He's doing since He created us and He knows what's best for us.

Aku harapkan satu je bila pindah ni, supaya aku, islam, dakwah dan tarbiyyah takkan terpisah. Because without Allah, without islam, without tarbiyyah, anything else won't have any meaning. Jadi aku sangat2 berharap supaya aku tak lalai, tak futur dan tak sampai satu tahap dimana aku rasa terbeban untuk meneruskan dakwah dan tarbiyyah. Ameen!

Average.

I'm afraid to dream big
but I don't want to be grouped with the people who don't have dreams

I'm not a risk-taker
but I don't want to be someone
who regrets the chances they've missed

I avoid conflicts
and regard myself as a peace-maker
but sometimes I still can't control my anger

I love my family
and I have great friends
but what if this becomes a wall that makes me
unable to understand the people who don't have a family
and are deprived of having friends?

I consider myself a good listener
but I don't have a good sense of humor

I don't know lah. I feel like I'm so average sometimes you know haha. Maybe not even sometimes. Dalam semua aspek dalam hidup aku ni prestasi aku selalu kat tengah2 je. Kadang2 aku kesah jugak, tapi most of the times tak la kot maybe because I don't even like to stand out.

Kat sekolah pon sama, kat universiti pon sama. When I think I'm good at something, mesti ada orang yang jauuuuuh lebih baik. Macam baru2 ni, dapat result untuk midterm test accounting, aku macam waaah tak pernah aku dapat markah setinggi ni (kecuali pendidikan agama islam la kot haha) pestu pap2 kawan aku dapat 100 woi. Tapi tu contoh je la. Takde pape pon sebenarnye. haha yang membezakan kita hanyalah taqwa kan? Tapi bab taqwa pon aku average masalahnyaaa. Part ni je yang tak boleh nak tak kesah kan?

Semalam pergi liqa usrah kolej punya and ada sorang akak ni dia belaja DQ tahun lepas. So dia first year jugak tapi 19 tahun. Dalam usrah kitorang tu dia jadi mutarabbi jugak la. Tapi bila murabbi tanya pendapat ke apa, jawapan dia perghh kencang, quote hadis  la ayat Quran semua. And dia sangat sangat sangat humble. Each time dia bersuara walaupon quote ayat Quran dan hadis (bahasa Arab dia sekali tau! ) , lepas dia habis cakap, dia akan giggle pestu cakap 'eh ni pendapat je'. Kita pon boleh rasa yang sebenarnya dia rasa apa2 yang dia cakap tu bukan drpd dia tapi Allah yang mengizinkan dia untuk cakap macam tu. Dia sendiri pon cakap yang bila dia dah keluar drpd DQ dia ada amanah utk sampaikan apa yang dia dah dapat.

So kaitan dia... mungkin aku kena hafal lebih banyak hadis and ayat Quran kot?

...

haha maaf. thoughts aku haywire sikit hari ni.

Decisions.

I have to decide
It's either one or the other
I'm given two choices
but I kind of want the third one
I know I shouldn't expect too much
rather
I should hope for the best
but what's the difference, really?

Her.

Everything I do
reminds me of her

We used to have conversations
that ran deep
like the rivers
after each seasonal monsoon

Now
there's almost no words to be spoken
no thoughts to come across
with every attempt
at every corner
only an awkward smile
and silence
greets me

Getting ready.

I'll just brace myself for whatever Allah has planned for me.

But it doesn't mean I'll stop trying.

Whatever comes, I'll face it head on.

I have to.

Selayaknya.

manusia
penuh dengan khilaf
tiada yang sempurna
kerana sempurna itu hanya milik Dia
tetapi ketidaksempurnaan itu bukan sebab
untuk terus-terusan berbuat salah.

mungkin salah itu terbuat
kerana jahilnya dia
maka bantulah
itu yang selayaknya
bukan menghukum
bukan juga menilai
itu bukan kerja kita
tapi kerja Dia

Trying.

The moment I sat eyes on this quote, I instantly felt bad about the times when I felt like face-punching the people who are more blessed than me be but were complaining that it wasn't enough on facebook.

Still struggling with the whole 'be grateful, Allah planned it for you' thing.

Ya Allah, permudahkanlah.

Hope.

Dear me,

I tell you to keep going
not because it's easy
not because it doesn't hurt
but that's just life
to stop is to die

Life is in motion
every day is a new day
each moment is a new moment to experience
a chance to come back
to get it right

I tell you to keep going
not because everyone else is doing it
not because others expect you to
I tell you to keep going
because this is your life
no one is in control of it except you

Allah has indeed
planned your life for you
but that's no excuse
for you to not plan your own life

Go
make mistakes
because to make mistakes
is to learn
and to learn
is to live

If you wake up tomorrow
be grateful
for He has given you another chance
to set things right
He is telling you
that hope is alive
so rejoice
because hope
is the only thing
stronger than fear.

******************

So yeah, result SPM nak keluar dah in less than 48 hours. I can say that I'm not the least bit afraid but I'd be lying. Truth is I'm not sure if I'm ready to face whatever's coming. Actually I  am ready to get my result because let's face it, we can't run or hide anymore. I'm just not ready to face the things that comes after getting them. Like, you know, applying for colleges or deciding on a course or having to leave home and be a part of society. I'm pretty sure that majority of my friends are experiencing the same thing. It's just so unimaginably nerve-wrecking I tell you. Oh and lets not forget the EXPECTATIONS that we have to fulfill. Teachers, family, friends. But I don't mind that much because having people expect things from you is completely normal. Just as normal as you having expectations for others. So it's fine.

Therefore, as cliche as it may sound, whether you fail or succeed,  just keep moving forward and keep on striving. As they say, things change, people leave, and life doesn't stop for anybody.

Whatever happens, don't dwell on it. Just. don't. dwell. on. it.

*smiles*

Tanya iman.

Aku cemburu melihat
khusyuknya mereka menadah tangan pada Tuhan
aku cemburu melihat
wajah mereka
yang terpancar cahaya
merindukan Tuhan
aku cemburu melihat
asyiknya mereka berbicara
tentang cinta Tuhan
sedang aku..?

Usaha.

Jika betul
kita sudah berserah kepada Allah
setelah berusaha
kenapa mesti bersedih
dan mengeluh?

Mungkin
kita belum berserah sepenuhnya
atau mungkin
usaha belum cukup?

*tutup muka cari lubang*