Baby journal #4

4 Oct 2024, 9pm

Peti ais tak tutup rapat semalam. Sedih sangat. Ingat kena buang dah semua susu yang dah pump tapi google ckp kalau still ada ice crystals boleh bekukan balik. Aku tawakkal je lah and simpan balik mana yg tak fully cair lagi. Tapi ada kena buang jugak dalam 3 4 packet. Yang lain bagi Aisyah minum and aku pump whole day. Aisyah tak pegi rumah Ibu Jah sbb ice pack pon cair tak leh nak pack susu untuk Ibu Jah. Minggu depan nak guna semua susu frozen. Nak bagi rolling balik susu yang baru. InshaAllah semua ok. Semoga susu ok, tak rosak and Aisyah sihat jee 🤲🏼 Amiin. Husbandku pon supportive sangat. Terus pergi beli ais utk letak dlm freezer bagi cepat sejuk balik. Tolong ambik beg Aisyah kat rumah Ibu Jah sebab hari ni dah hari jumaat. Tolong jaga Aisyah kat rumah, bagi susu, walaupon dia kerja malam ni.

9 Oct 2024, Wed 9am

Aisyah jatuh katil pagi tadi 😭 Aku rasa bersalah sangat2. Aku tak letak bantal belah side yang Aisyah jatuh tu. Aisyah dalam babynest, dia guling sampai keluar baby nest and sampai hujung katil opposite side. In a way mcm hebat jugak dia boleh guling jauh mcm tu tapi kesian dia jatuhhh. 

Masa tu tengah sediakan susu botol aisyah nak hantar pengasuh kat depan. Tahu2 dengar bunyi jatuh pestu Aisyah nangis kuat, cepat2 lari pegi angkat dia. Lama dia nangis dalam 10 minit. Risau sangat. Whatsapp ayah dia cerita apa jadi. Pestu terus bagi susu and tukar pampers Aisyah lepas tu dia dah ok sikit tak nangis pestu tau2 tertidur.  Whatsapp Kak Fafa and Kakak, dua2 ckp kalau takde muntah2, tidur minum perangai semua macam biasa inshaAllah takde pape. Check badan dan kepala Aisyah pon macam takde apa2 so inshaAllah ok. Tapi maybe malam ni nak pegi klinik jugak kot tanya doctor. 

15 Oct 2024, Tues 8pm

Aisyah dah nak tumbuh first gigi!! At almost 6 months. Minggu depan dah boleh makan. Aaa babyku dah besar 😭😭😭Tapi belum boleh duduk unsupported. Hari tu baru beli baby dinner set silicone utk dia hehe 

16 Oct 2024, Wed 2pm

Milk supply has been a bit low lately

10 Nov, Sunday 3pm

Ecah jatuh katil lagi. Ayah dia tak perasan. Tapi dia nangis kejap je and pujuk sikit terus berhenti nangis. Takde muntah2 sgt, tidur and main macam biasa so inshaAllah ok.

Update pasal Aisyah makan. YaAllah stress gila nak bagi dia makan. Ni paling challenging pasal nak besarkan ecah ni. Dah la aku tak suka masak. Nak masak untuk diri sendiri pon liat. Tapi kena paksa diri masak jugak untuk ecah. Kadang2 bagi jugak fruit puree pouches tu or bubur instant. I feel like a shit mom tapi ya Allah tak larat. Ya Allah beri lah aku kekuatan dan kesabaran.

Btw Aisyah punya gigi atas dua batang pon nak tumbuh dah!! 4 batang sekaligus wehh ya Allah hebat anak aku. Nasib baik tak teruk sangat teething dia. Still tidur macam biasa. Kadang2 je merengek sikit2 

Friendship breakup.

Syazana tak nak member ngan aku dah. She wants to be acquaintances which is stupid because we’re already way past that point. If she doesn't want to have anything to do with me anymore just cut ties la. So I told her im going to unfollow her on all socmed platforms but she can still reach out on whatsapp or imessage me or something. She made it seem like I’m such a horrible person. She said she knows she can be a lot to put up with and thanks for putting up with her but she can't put up with me anymore. I'm so sad and so angry and so frustrated. She’s making a very big deal out of this and tells me she doesn't care anymore. She said I'm petty and that I always belittle her. She kept it to herself and it snowballed and now she’s just happier without me in her life. I don't understand people who focus too much on people’s bad behaviours. It's not like you never hurt me before. But I let go and moved passed it. You really wanna throw out 15 years of friendship just because I asked whether you can afford to take care of your cat. You're the one who quit your job because of some guy. You're the one who can't keep a job. Why is everything everyone else’s fault? I apologized to you and didn't bring up all the bad stuff but you didn't apologize back and you continued to insult me semua dengan alasan ‘kau yang tanya’. I asked you to stop being a people pleaser not turn into a fucking stone. Dengan 'sorry sorry' kau pestu continue to insult me and 'malas la malas la' kau tu. Kau malas kau hidup sorang je la sampai kau mati. 

Aku paling tak tahan kau bring up pasal acap. Kau siapa? Kau tak payah comment pasal marriage orang la. Kau pon belum kahwin. Kau mana nampak all the times aku buat salah kat acap or all the times acap buat salah kat aku, kau mana nampak all the times we had to apologize to each other so tak payah nak suruh aku jaga dia bagai. Like no one fuckin asked for your advice?? Don't talk about my husband like he’s your friend. He’s not your friend and you know nothing about my marriage. Stop projecting your insecurities on me. 

She also said that she’s happier now eventho her life is mostly the same. Uwais still tak nak dia, dia still jobhunting and still gaduh ngan family. Sedih do. It feels like she’s saying I'm the reason she felt so miserable before.

That's it. I'm moving on and I'm letting her go. She did me a favour to be honest.