Baby journal #5

Aisyah first time cirit birit. Hari ni berak 2 kali. Semalam berak 3 kali. Berak pon cair jee. Warna kuning mustard. Slalunya sekarang berak sekali sehari je. Tak tahu sebab apa. Mungkin sebab bubur yang aku masak hari jumaat. Last dia makan semalam pagi je. Lepas tu mcm banyak muntah2 so malam semalam and pagi tadi tak bagi Aisyah makan pon. Ada baca cirit macam ni takde ubat, bagi je dia reda after few days. Harap tak teruk sangat, penat jugak asyik nak tukar pampers and kadang kena baju dia. 

Aisyah dah pandai merangkak. Dlm 2 minggu ni baru je pandai. Means dia start merangkak 7 bulan setengah. Sebelum ni merangkak mcm askar, gerak tapi perut heret kat lantai haha. Dia pandai duduk betul2 unsupported around 7 months+ 

Gigi pon dah ada 6 batang! Gigi kelima keenam belah atas start tumbuh 7 bulan lebih jugak. Which is kinda fast jgk selalunya 8 bulan lebih. 

Baby journal #4

4 Oct 2024, 9pm

Peti ais tak tutup rapat semalam. Sedih sangat. Ingat kena buang dah semua susu yang dah pump tapi google ckp kalau still ada ice crystals boleh bekukan balik. Aku tawakkal je lah and simpan balik mana yg tak fully cair lagi. Tapi ada kena buang jugak dalam 3 4 packet. Yang lain bagi Aisyah minum and aku pump whole day. Aisyah tak pegi rumah Ibu Jah sbb ice pack pon cair tak leh nak pack susu untuk Ibu Jah. Minggu depan nak guna semua susu frozen. Nak bagi rolling balik susu yang baru. InshaAllah semua ok. Semoga susu ok, tak rosak and Aisyah sihat jee 🤲🏼 Amiin. Husbandku pon supportive sangat. Terus pergi beli ais utk letak dlm freezer bagi cepat sejuk balik. Tolong ambik beg Aisyah kat rumah Ibu Jah sebab hari ni dah hari jumaat. Tolong jaga Aisyah kat rumah, bagi susu, walaupon dia kerja malam ni.

9 Oct 2024, Wed 9am

Aisyah jatuh katil pagi tadi 😭 Aku rasa bersalah sangat2. Aku tak letak bantal belah side yang Aisyah jatuh tu. Aisyah dalam babynest, dia guling sampai keluar baby nest and sampai hujung katil opposite side. In a way mcm hebat jugak dia boleh guling jauh mcm tu tapi kesian dia jatuhhh. 

Masa tu tengah sediakan susu botol aisyah nak hantar pengasuh kat depan. Tahu2 dengar bunyi jatuh pestu Aisyah nangis kuat, cepat2 lari pegi angkat dia. Lama dia nangis dalam 10 minit. Risau sangat. Whatsapp ayah dia cerita apa jadi. Pestu terus bagi susu and tukar pampers Aisyah lepas tu dia dah ok sikit tak nangis pestu tau2 tertidur.  Whatsapp Kak Fafa and Kakak, dua2 ckp kalau takde muntah2, tidur minum perangai semua macam biasa inshaAllah takde pape. Check badan dan kepala Aisyah pon macam takde apa2 so inshaAllah ok. Tapi maybe malam ni nak pegi klinik jugak kot tanya doctor. 

15 Oct 2024, Tues 8pm

Aisyah dah nak tumbuh first gigi!! At almost 6 months. Minggu depan dah boleh makan. Aaa babyku dah besar 😭😭😭Tapi belum boleh duduk unsupported. Hari tu baru beli baby dinner set silicone utk dia hehe 

16 Oct 2024, Wed 2pm

Milk supply has been a bit low lately

10 Nov, Sunday 3pm

Ecah jatuh katil lagi. Ayah dia tak perasan. Tapi dia nangis kejap je and pujuk sikit terus berhenti nangis. Takde muntah2 sgt, tidur and main macam biasa so inshaAllah ok.

Update pasal Aisyah makan. YaAllah stress gila nak bagi dia makan. Ni paling challenging pasal nak besarkan ecah ni. Dah la aku tak suka masak. Nak masak untuk diri sendiri pon liat. Tapi kena paksa diri masak jugak untuk ecah. Kadang2 bagi jugak fruit puree pouches tu or bubur instant. I feel like a shit mom tapi ya Allah tak larat. Ya Allah beri lah aku kekuatan dan kesabaran.

Btw Aisyah punya gigi atas dua batang pon nak tumbuh dah!! 4 batang sekaligus wehh ya Allah hebat anak aku. Nasib baik tak teruk sangat teething dia. Still tidur macam biasa. Kadang2 je merengek sikit2 

Friendship breakup.

Syazana tak nak member ngan aku dah. She wants to be acquaintances which is stupid because we’re already way past that point. If she doesn't want to have anything to do with me anymore just cut ties la. So I told her im going to unfollow her on all socmed platforms but she can still reach out on whatsapp or imessage me or something. She made it seem like I’m such a horrible person. She said she knows she can be a lot to put up with and thanks for putting up with her but she can't put up with me anymore. I'm so sad and so angry and so frustrated. She’s making a very big deal out of this and tells me she doesn't care anymore. She said I'm petty and that I always belittle her. She kept it to herself and it snowballed and now she’s just happier without me in her life. I don't understand people who focus too much on people’s bad behaviours. It's not like you never hurt me before. But I let go and moved passed it. You really wanna throw out 15 years of friendship just because I asked whether you can afford to take care of your cat. You're the one who quit your job because of some guy. You're the one who can't keep a job. Why is everything everyone else’s fault? I apologized to you and didn't bring up all the bad stuff but you didn't apologize back and you continued to insult me semua dengan alasan ‘kau yang tanya’. I asked you to stop being a people pleaser not turn into a fucking stone. Dengan 'sorry sorry' kau pestu continue to insult me and 'malas la malas la' kau tu. Kau malas kau hidup sorang je la sampai kau mati. 

Aku paling tak tahan kau bring up pasal acap. Kau siapa? Kau tak payah comment pasal marriage orang la. Kau pon belum kahwin. Kau mana nampak all the times aku buat salah kat acap or all the times acap buat salah kat aku, kau mana nampak all the times we had to apologize to each other so tak payah nak suruh aku jaga dia bagai. Like no one fuckin asked for your advice?? Don't talk about my husband like he’s your friend. He’s not your friend and you know nothing about my marriage. Stop projecting your insecurities on me. 

She also said that she’s happier now eventho her life is mostly the same. Uwais still tak nak dia, dia still jobhunting and still gaduh ngan family. Sedih do. It feels like she’s saying I'm the reason she felt so miserable before.

That's it. I'm moving on and I'm letting her go. She did me a favour to be honest.

Baby journal #3

10 August 2024, 5pm

I saw Aisyah roll over by herself for the first time. She is 3 months and 2 weeks now. Maybe this isn't her first time because I saw her attempt to do it a few times this week. Maybe dia dah buat kat rumah Ibu Jah (pengasuh). But I'm so proud!! Tapi tak sempat ambik video.

Update on hantar Aisyah pergi pengasuh - seminggu dua ni balik2 dia asyik ada bintik2 merah kat badan dia. Pergi doctor dia cakap maybe kena gigit serangga or something. Ibu Jah pon cakap mcm tu. Doctor cakap kalau alahan slalunya merah2 flat gitu tapi ni dia mcm bintik berbonggol kecik. Doctor just suggest bagi lapik kat pengasuh and dia bagi ubat redakan gatal je. 

19 August 2024, 9pm

I suddenly feel kind of sad that someone else is taking care of Aisyah a huge chunk of the day where she’s mostly awake. I only get around 1-2 hours of her being awake in the morning after she wakes up and another 1-2 hours when she comes back from the babysitter. I feel like I’m missing out on her growth. 

I want to quit so bad but I feel bad if I can’t help my husband financially. Technically it should be his responsibility but everything is so expensive nowadays and I don't want to have to be super mindful about what I'm spending. 

23 August 2024 8.53pm

Aisyah haven't laughed yet. Ada macam nak tergelak sikit la maybe 2 or 3 so far dalam 4 bulan ni. Bila nak gelak kuat2 nii tak sabar.

Update on her rolling over. She haven't rolled over since 2 weeks ago lol. Dia macam dah malas nak angkat bontot. I have to force her to do tummy time. Maybe tak cukup buat tummy time so dia dah sedap baring je. 

Update on bintik2 merah. So far seminggu ni ada dua je bintik baru. Alhamdulillah maybe badan dia dah starting to adapt or maybe serangga dah bosan dengan Aisyah haha. Kitorang dah almost considering nak tukar pengasuh. Tapi lecehh alhamdulillah tak yah tukar kot ni.

Btw I bought 4 story books for Aisyah. Semua English. Lepas ni kena cari buku melayu haha. Tapi Aisyah macam suka bila Mama baca buku untuk dia. Macam focus jee. Hehe comel.

11 Sep 2024 10.41pm

Hari ni aisyah banyak meniarap. Sampai nak tido pon nak meniarap lagi dalam baby nest dia haha. Bila nak tido niii

15 Sep 2024 10pm

Aisyah selsema and batuk2 since yesterday. Kesian dia. Batuk mcm org besar. Hingus meleleh. Semoga Aisyah cepat sembuh.

Feeling horrible.

Muntah 3 kali hari ni and cirit. Rasanya kena food poisoning. Nak makan tak lalu. Risau supply breastmilk kurang, but I read kalau moms sakit still boleh continue breastfeeding. Cuma supply tu la kadang2 affected kadang tak. Hopefully tak affected sangat. Makan tgh hari nasi and ayam muntah balik. Minum air coklat ptg muntah. And malam makan satu keping roti with one cup hot vico and one cup green tea pon muntah balik. Tak tahu apa tinggal dalam perut ni. Masa petang rasa penat gila maybe sbb dehydrated. Lepas maghrib tidur almost 2 hours pestu bangun makan roti tu. Lepas muntah minum air kosong banyak untuk hyrdrate balik, and telan 2 biji paracetamol. Nak pergi klinik tak larat sangat. Hopefully esok ada selera nak makan and tak muntah. Now feeling better tapi risau lapar and tak cukup nutrition je hari ni. 

Baby journal #2

26 June 2024, 10am

Check up KK Aisyah at 2 months old. Berat dah 5.3kg 😍 Hari ni kena vaccine, dia nangis kejap pestu ok dah. Lepas checkup pergi lepak rumah tok ibu dgn atok kejap.

30 June 2024, 6pm

Weekend ni balik Melaka.Semalam hari sabtu pergi jalan2 Tasik Chin Chin makan chicken chop dan fish and chips. Aisyah baik tidurrr je dalam stroller.

Baby journal #1

 Aisyah haven’t slept since 10.30am. Some days are just really hard. I want to cry. I want to pass her to someone else but nobody seems to be around. Husband is at work and everyone else in this house is just doing their own thing. I want to go back to my own house 😭

I’m feeding her every 30 mins, I’ve changed her diaper but every time I put her down she cries. I think perut dia kembung sebab dia asyik kentut. I’ve already sapu minyak, dah urut semua. I don’t know what to do.

Married for 10 months.

I have been married for 10 months and these are just some of my feelings at the moment. Kind of regretted I didn't start writing sooner about this journey. 

I love it. 10/10 would recommend. I'm so proud of myself for cherishing and taking care of myself before marriage by not getting into relationships and doing questionable things eventho a lot of couple things are being normalised these days. I think I still had some strong principles left in me even after what happened with that one guy in college. In fact I think it was because of what happened that I held more tightly to my principles after that. I’m happy and grateful that Allah granted me a husband who also was never involved in any haram relationships. Alhamdulillah we don't have any exes to worry or feel anxious about. 

Marriage is so beautiful. I take comfort in the fact that everything good I do for my husband, I get pahala for it. It's so nice to have someone I can be so manja with and not be judged. We both act like babies with each other and I feel so giddy. During the first few months, I never want to separate from him. I rarely fall back asleep after subuh just so I can stare at him and be awake and cuddle with him a little longer. I still love to stare and cuddle but it's not so obsessive now haha.

My husband is so kind. He doesn't yell at me, he’s compassionate, he’s so patient with me, always does what I ask, he gives me so much, he gives me money as much as he’s able and I’m just a sucker for effort. It’d be nice if he does things without me telling him what to do but I’ve come to terms with that (seems it's a guy thing? Idk) and appreciate and I’m happy that at least he does what I ask. 

I try to cook for him as much as I can but I'm still insecure about the frequency of when I cook for him. Maybe it's a culture thing or gender role thing. He doesn't mind or at least he says he doesn't but it still bothers me a lot when people ask ‘dah pandai masak ke?’ ‘masak apa untuk suami?’ ‘Bulan puasa buka mana? Masak ke?’. It's so annoying. I don't know if it's just me but this is something I struggle with and I don't know how to navigate it in the future especially with a baby coming along. I’ll just try my best I guess.

Of course our marriage isn't perfect but currently (and in the future too inshaAllah) I’m very content with it. I love going to sleep with my husband by my side. I love waking up next to him. I love that we always try to pray jamaah together. I love showing affection and receiving it in return. I love that I get to say I love you, sorry and thank you. I love waiting for him to come back from work (since I work from home, I mostly do all the waiting haha). I love appreciating him and I love being appreciated.

I like him before we got married but I wasn't in love with him. We didn't go on dates and only met in person three times before getting married. Some people might say its risky or stupid to marry a guy when you don't love him and probably didn't know him much at the time, but I was also surprised and proud of myself because I put my WHOLE trust in Allah. I just did what I could to get to know him better and left the rest to Allah. I tried to firmly believe that love comes from Allah. I remember praying everyday for Allah to give me the feeling of love towards my husband after marriage and Alhamdulillah my prayers are answered because I love him so much now! Even the thought of losing him makes me tear up sometimes, I pray we last until jannah and I pray our marriage is full of love, sakinah, mawaddah and rahmah until we die. I pray we reunite in jannah. I pray we don't die too far apart from each other’s death so that one one of us wont feel lonely for too long.

Pregnancy journey.

23 Sep 2023

Found out I was pregnant after 3 days of feeling super lethargic. Malam tu bagi tahu husband and nangis sebab tak ready. Tapi lama2 kita redha dengan takdir Allah. Maybe this is the best time for us. 

24 Sep 2023

Told ibu and abah by video call.

11 Dec 2023

I cried for no reason today masa tengah sidai baju. I just feel so tired today. 

I felt baby move for the first time around 18 weeks. Its feels like a tiny poke from inside. I love it because it’s like she’s saying hi.

9 Feb 2024

I’m already almost 29 weeks! I cant wait to meet you baby. Mama’s scared but she’s going to try her best! I can’t wait to see you smile and hear you laugh. I can’t wait for you to meet your ayah and your atok and tok ibu and mbah and nenek and all your aunties and uncles and cousins. You’re going to be so loved!! InshaAllah!

My belly’s getting big but alhamdulillah I’m still sleeping well at night. Sometimes i walk around and accidentally hit the door or something because I don't realise how big my belly has gotten haha. I hope you’re not hurt baby!

I always pray for your safety and health and I pray you grow up a happy baby, a happy kid and a happy human being. 

The many layers of trust.

 I found out something about Asyraf that I felt stupid for not knowing sooner. He vapes. I literally cried yesterday because of the sheer disappointment and sadness I felt. Maybe to some people, it's not a big deal, but to me, it is a very big deal. If I had known sooner I would probably hesitate to even go on with this relationship but at this point, I don't think it's fair for me to back out just because of this. I tried to be rational. Tried to see it from his perspective. And I'm grateful that I can be open with him and tell him how I really feel. That I'm sad and disappointed and I don't like it and I want him to stop right this second. And he immediately promised me he would. 

Now, I'm a rational person. Of course I would be skeptical. Is it really that easy to quit? But I have no other choice than to trust him. Technically he didn't lie to me. He just wasn't direct about it. Because we did talk about me not liking people who smokes before this. And dia memang tak merokok. I just didn't think there would be people who would think smoking and vaping are too different things. Also, he said he's a social vaper. Means he only vapes when his friends vapes. I don't know what to say. I can only hope and pray he really stops, at all costs. Like dang, is this what they meant by 'ujian masa tunang'? Lol. Seems like I feel like I can still tolerate this. I guess the only two things that will be complete deal breakers are probably if he is either abusive (in any way, shape of form) or cheating on me, which I don't think he will and I trust that he won't. At least I really really hope not. 

Finding the one?

I'm getting engaged next week. To be honest it hasn't really sunk in me so I don't know what to feel. But I think it's time I write about this guy. I just want to remember what I feel right now and see it in retrospect in the future. 

So his name is Asyraf. I got to know him from a website called baitulmuslim.com. He's 5 years older and works as a Technician at TNB. His family is from Johor but lives in Melaka. 

Yes, I did chat with a few guys before him but none really lasted very long. In fact, as per what I wrote in my private-only-for-me-to-read blog, I did try apps like Tinder and Bumble and got to know some guys there as well. I don't remember most of them already but yeah, just saying I was putting myself out there. Now the reason why I've stuck with Asyraf is because I really felt his effort in trying to get to know me better. And right from the start there was no dilly dallying and no mind games. We got to know each better by following Aiman Azlan's advice with the 100 marital questions. After finishing the 100 questions which took like a month coz we took our time and asked further questions here and there, he was straightforward about his intentions and asked whether I've told my parents about him. At first I actually felt pressured but after much convincing, I felt his sincerity and thought I would be doing him a disservice if I wasn't serious about this relationship as well. Yes I know, my feelings was half assed but my intention was serious. So then I told my parents about him and it just went on from there. Once I told my parents about him, it was already a sign that our relationship was official. 

It still feels weird to tell people how I got to know Asyraf. I always start with 'Oh I met him online' and I'm already prejudiced against myself lol. I always feel the need to justify it like 'I don't know how to meet someone organically. If I know a guy from school or work, that's all he's ever going to be to me. I would feel weird if a colleague started flirting or something'. Anyway, this is just something I have to work on by myself. I need to convince myself that maybe this was the best way for me and there's nothing wrong with it. 

The thing is, I don't know if Asyraf is 'the one'. Even right this second, I still have doubts whether I made the right choice. But I always hope and pray that rasa yakin tu akan datang la satu hari nanti. I feel pretentious saying this, but I really want to believe that everything comes from Allah, all our feelings come from Allah, so if I want to feel trust and love towards another person, all I have to do is ask Allah right? 

I think love is a verb. You need to work on it. You need to learn about it and spend time to nurture it. The best possible scenario is of course if the love is already there and you just maintain and grow it. But I do believe it can start from zero as well. I mean compared to how I felt about Asyraf one year ago when I first got to know him, I do think I feel more love and care for him now. It's still not to the point of being 'in love' with him thought. You know that feeling where everything that person does makes you smile and you adore almost everything about them? Yeah still not up to that level yet. 

Oh man, I suddenly feel terrified to get engaged to him now. It do be like that though. Some days I think he's nice and cute, other days I'm annoyed with him. We recently had a fight and I just felt so tired of him all of a sudden. But it's good now. I don't know. Sometimes I wish we had an effortless relationship where I'm head over heels in love with him and don't overthink stuff. But I don't even know if that's possible with anyone else either. At this point I just tell myself that as long as there are no major red flags, I can work with it. I just hope and pray that Allah will reward me and Asyraf's efforts to get to know each other, to tolerate and accept each other and to move towards a halal marriage. Amiiiin.