Sunday, January 5, 2025

Baby journal #5

Aisyah first time cirit birit. Hari ni berak 2 kali. Semalam berak 3 kali. Berak pon cair jee. Warna kuning mustard. Slalunya sekarang berak sekali sehari je. Tak tahu sebab apa. Mungkin sebab bubur yang aku masak hari jumaat. Last dia makan semalam pagi je. Lepas tu mcm banyak muntah2 so malam semalam and pagi tadi tak bagi Aisyah makan pon. Ada baca cirit macam ni takde ubat, bagi je dia reda after few days. Harap tak teruk sangat, penat jugak asyik nak tukar pampers and kadang kena baju dia. 

Aisyah dah pandai merangkak. Dlm 2 minggu ni baru je pandai. Means dia start merangkak 7 bulan setengah. Sebelum ni merangkak mcm askar, gerak tapi perut heret kat lantai haha. Dia pandai duduk betul2 unsupported around 7 months+ 

Gigi pon dah ada 6 batang! Gigi kelima keenam belah atas start tumbuh 7 bulan lebih jugak. Which is kinda fast jgk selalunya 8 bulan lebih. 

Sunday, November 10, 2024

Baby journal #4

4 Oct 2024, 9pm

Peti ais tak tutup rapat semalam. Sedih sangat. Ingat kena buang dah semua susu yang dah pump tapi google ckp kalau still ada ice crystals boleh bekukan balik. Aku tawakkal je lah and simpan balik mana yg tak fully cair lagi. Tapi ada kena buang jugak dalam 3 4 packet. Yang lain bagi Aisyah minum and aku pump whole day. Aisyah tak pegi rumah Ibu Jah sbb ice pack pon cair tak leh nak pack susu untuk Ibu Jah. Minggu depan nak guna semua susu frozen. Nak bagi rolling balik susu yang baru. InshaAllah semua ok. Semoga susu ok, tak rosak and Aisyah sihat jee 🤲🏼 Amiin. Husbandku pon supportive sangat. Terus pergi beli ais utk letak dlm freezer bagi cepat sejuk balik. Tolong ambik beg Aisyah kat rumah Ibu Jah sebab hari ni dah hari jumaat. Tolong jaga Aisyah kat rumah, bagi susu, walaupon dia kerja malam ni.


9 Oct 2024, Wed 9am

Aisyah jatuh katil pagi tadi 😭 Aku rasa bersalah sangat2. Aku tak letak bantal belah side yang Aisyah jatuh tu. Aisyah dalam babynest, dia guling sampai keluar baby nest and sampai hujung katil opposite side. In a way mcm hebat jugak dia boleh guling jauh mcm tu tapi kesian dia jatuhhh. 

Masa tu tengah sediakan susu botol aisyah nak hantar pengasuh kat depan. Tahu2 dengar bunyi jatuh pestu Aisyah nangis kuat, cepat2 lari pegi angkat dia. Lama dia nangis dalam 10 minit. Risau sangat. Whatsapp ayah dia cerita apa jadi. Pestu terus bagi susu and tukar pampers Aisyah lepas tu dia dah ok sikit tak nangis pestu tau2 tertidur.  Whatsapp Kak Fafa and Kakak, dua2 ckp kalau takde muntah2, tidur minum perangai semua macam biasa inshaAllah takde pape. Check badan dan kepala Aisyah pon macam takde apa2 so inshaAllah ok. Tapi maybe malam ni nak pegi klinik jugak kot tanya doctor. 


15 Oct 2024, Tues 8pm

Aisyah dah nak tumbuh first gigi!! At almost 6 months. Minggu depan dah boleh makan. Aaa babyku dah besar 😭😭😭Tapi belum boleh duduk unsupported. Hari tu baru beli baby dinner set silicone utk dia hehe 


16 Oct 2024, Wed 2pm

Milk supply has been a bit low lately


10 Nov, Sunday 3pm

Ecah jatuh katil lagi. Ayah dia tak perasan. Tapi dia nangis kejap je and pujuk sikit terus berhenti nangis. Takde muntah2 sgt, tidur and main macam biasa so inshaAllah ok.

Update pasal Aisyah makan. YaAllah stress gila nak bagi dia makan. Ni paling challenging pasal nak besarkan ecah ni. Dah la aku tak suka masak. Nak masak untuk diri sendiri pon liat. Tapi kena paksa diri masak jugak untuk ecah. Kadang2 bagi jugak fruit puree pouches tu or bubur instant. I feel like a shit mom tapi ya Allah tak larat. Ya Allah beri lah aku kekuatan dan kesabaran.

Btw Aisyah punya gigi atas dua batang pon nak tumbuh dah!! 4 batang sekaligus wehh ya Allah hebat anak aku. Nasib baik tak teruk sangat teething dia. Still tidur macam biasa. Kadang2 je merengek sikit2 

Friday, November 1, 2024

Friendship breakup.

Syazana tak nak member ngan aku dah. She wants to be acquaintances which is stupid because we’re already way past that point. If she doesn't want to have anything to do with me anymore just cut ties la. So I told her im going to unfollow her on all socmed platforms but she can still reach out on whatsapp or imessage me or something. She made it seem like I’m such a horrible person. She said she knows she can be a lot to put up with and thanks for putting up with her but she can't put up with me anymore. I'm so sad and so angry and so frustrated. She’s making a very big deal out of this and tells me she doesn't care anymore. She said I'm petty and that I always belittle her. She kept it to herself and it snowballed and now she’s just happier without me in her life. I don't understand people who focus too much on people’s bad behaviours. It's not like you never hurt me before. But I let go and moved passed it. You really wanna throw out 15 years of friendship just because I asked whether you can afford to take care of your cat. You're the one who quit your job because of some guy. You're the one who can't keep a job. Why is everything everyone else’s fault? I apologized to you and didn't bring up all the bad stuff but you didn't apologize back and you continued to insult me semua dengan alasan ‘kau yang tanya’. I asked you to stop being a people pleaser not turn into a fucking stone. Dengan 'sorry sorry' kau pestu continue to insult me and 'malas la malas la' kau tu. Kau malas kau hidup sorang je la sampai kau mati. 

Aku paling tak tahan kau bring up pasal acap. Kau siapa? Kau tak payah comment pasal marriage orang la. Kau pon belum kahwin. Kau mana nampak all the times aku buat salah kat acap or all the times acap buat salah kat aku, kau mana nampak all the times we had to apologize to each other so tak payah nak suruh aku jaga dia bagai. Like no one fuckin asked for your advice?? Don't talk about my husband like he’s your friend. He’s not your friend and you know nothing about my marriage. Stop projecting your insecurities on me. 

She also said that she’s happier now eventho her life is mostly the same. Uwais still tak nak dia, dia still jobhunting and still gaduh ngan family. Sedih do. It feels like she’s saying I'm the reason she felt so miserable before.

That's it. I'm moving on and I'm letting her go. She did me a favour to be honest.

Sunday, September 15, 2024

Baby journal #3

10 August 2024, 5pm

I saw Aisyah roll over by herself for the first time. She is 3 months and 2 weeks now. Maybe this isn't her first time because I saw her attempt to do it a few times this week. Maybe dia dah buat kat rumah Ibu Jah (pengasuh). But I'm so proud!! Tapi tak sempat ambik video.

Update on hantar Aisyah pergi pengasuh - seminggu dua ni balik2 dia asyik ada bintik2 merah kat badan dia. Pergi doctor dia cakap maybe kena gigit serangga or something. Ibu Jah pon cakap mcm tu. Doctor cakap kalau alahan slalunya merah2 flat gitu tapi ni dia mcm bintik berbonggol kecik. Doctor just suggest bagi lapik kat pengasuh and dia bagi ubat redakan gatal je. 

19 August 2024, 9pm

I suddenly feel kind of sad that someone else is taking care of Aisyah a huge chunk of the day where she’s mostly awake. I only get around 1-2 hours of her being awake in the morning after she wakes up and another 1-2 hours when she comes back from the babysitter. I feel like I’m missing out on her growth. 

I want to quit so bad but I feel bad if I can’t help my husband financially. Technically it should be his responsibility but everything is so expensive nowadays and I don't want to have to be super mindful about what I'm spending. 

23 August 2024 8.53pm

Aisyah haven't laughed yet. Ada macam nak tergelak sikit la maybe 2 or 3 so far dalam 4 bulan ni. Bila nak gelak kuat2 nii tak sabar.

Update on her rolling over. She haven't rolled over since 2 weeks ago lol. Dia macam dah malas nak angkat bontot. I have to force her to do tummy time. Maybe tak cukup buat tummy time so dia dah sedap baring je. 

Update on bintik2 merah. So far seminggu ni ada dua je bintik baru. Alhamdulillah maybe badan dia dah starting to adapt or maybe serangga dah bosan dengan Aisyah haha. Kitorang dah almost considering nak tukar pengasuh. Tapi lecehh alhamdulillah tak yah tukar kot ni.

Btw I bought 4 story books for Aisyah. Semua English. Lepas ni kena cari buku melayu haha. Tapi Aisyah macam suka bila Mama baca buku untuk dia. Macam focus jee. Hehe comel.

11 Sep 2024 10.41pm

Hari ni aisyah banyak meniarap. Sampai nak tido pon nak meniarap lagi dalam baby nest dia haha. Bila nak tido niii

15 Sep 2024 10pm

Aisyah selsema and batuk2 since yesterday. Kesian dia. Batuk mcm org besar. Hingus meleleh. Semoga Aisyah cepat sembuh.

Monday, July 8, 2024

Feeling horrible.

Muntah 3 kali hari ni and cirit. Rasanya kena food poisoning. Nak makan tak lalu. Risau supply breastmilk kurang, but I read kalau moms sakit still boleh continue breastfeeding. Cuma supply tu la kadang2 affected kadang tak. Hopefully tak affected sangat. Makan tgh hari nasi and ayam muntah balik. Minum air coklat ptg muntah. And malam makan satu keping roti with one cup hot vico and one cup green tea pon muntah balik. Tak tahu apa tinggal dalam perut ni. Masa petang rasa penat gila maybe sbb dehydrated. Lepas maghrib tidur almost 2 hours pestu bangun makan roti tu. Lepas muntah minum air kosong banyak untuk hyrdrate balik, and telan 2 biji paracetamol. Nak pergi klinik tak larat sangat. Hopefully esok ada selera nak makan and tak muntah. Now feeling better tapi risau lapar and tak cukup nutrition je hari ni. 

Sunday, June 30, 2024

Baby journal #2

26 June 2024, 10am

Check up KK Aisyah at 2 months old. Berat dah 5.3kg 😍 Hari ni kena vaccine, dia nangis kejap pestu ok dah. Lepas checkup pergi lepak rumah tok ibu dgn atok kejap.

30 June 2024, 6pm

Weekend ni balik Melaka.Semalam hari sabtu pergi jalan2 Tasik Chin Chin makan chicken chop dan fish and chips. Aisyah baik tidurrr je dalam stroller.

Tuesday, May 14, 2024

Baby journal #1

 Aisyah haven’t slept since 10.30am. Some days are just really hard. I want to cry. I want to pass her to someone else but nobody seems to be around. Husband is at work and everyone else in this house is just doing their own thing. I want to go back to my own house 😭

I’m feeding her every 30 mins, I’ve changed her diaper but every time I put her down she cries. I think perut dia kembung sebab dia asyik kentut. I’ve already sapu minyak, dah urut semua. I don’t know what to do.

Thursday, March 14, 2024

Married for 10 months.

I have been married for 10 months and these are just some of my feelings at the moment. Kind of regretted I didn't start writing sooner about this journey. 

I love it. 10/10 would recommend. I'm so proud of myself for cherishing and taking care of myself before marriage by not getting into relationships and doing questionable things eventho a lot of couple things are being normalised these days. I think I still had some strong principles left in me even after what happened with that one guy in college. In fact I think it was because of what happened that I held more tightly to my principles after that. I’m happy and grateful that Allah granted me a husband who also was never involved in any haram relationships. Alhamdulillah we don't have any exes to worry or feel anxious about. 

Marriage is so beautiful. I take comfort in the fact that everything good I do for my husband, I get pahala for it. It's so nice to have someone I can be so manja with and not be judged. We both act like babies with each other and I feel so giddy. During the first few months, I never want to separate from him. I rarely fall back asleep after subuh just so I can stare at him and be awake and cuddle with him a little longer. I still love to stare and cuddle but it's not so obsessive now haha.

My husband is so kind. He doesn't yell at me, he’s compassionate, he’s so patient with me, always does what I ask, he gives me so much, he gives me money as much as he’s able and I’m just a sucker for effort. It’d be nice if he does things without me telling him what to do but I’ve come to terms with that (seems it's a guy thing? Idk) and appreciate and I’m happy that at least he does what I ask. 

I try to cook for him as much as I can but I'm still insecure about the frequency of when I cook for him. Maybe it's a culture thing or gender role thing. He doesn't mind or at least he says he doesn't but it still bothers me a lot when people ask ‘dah pandai masak ke?’ ‘masak apa untuk suami?’ ‘Bulan puasa buka mana? Masak ke?’. It's so annoying. I don't know if it's just me but this is something I struggle with and I don't know how to navigate it in the future especially with a baby coming along. I’ll just try my best I guess.

Of course our marriage isn't perfect but currently (and in the future too inshaAllah) I’m very content with it. I love going to sleep with my husband by my side. I love waking up next to him. I love that we always try to pray jamaah together. I love showing affection and receiving it in return. I love that I get to say I love you, sorry and thank you. I love waiting for him to come back from work (since I work from home, I mostly do all the waiting haha). I love appreciating him and I love being appreciated.

I like him before we got married but I wasn't in love with him. We didn't go on dates and only met in person three times before getting married. Some people might say its risky or stupid to marry a guy when you don't love him and probably didn't know him much at the time, but I was also surprised and proud of myself because I put my WHOLE trust in Allah. I just did what I could to get to know him better and left the rest to Allah. I tried to firmly believe that love comes from Allah. I remember praying everyday for Allah to give me the feeling of love towards my husband after marriage and Alhamdulillah my prayers are answered because I love him so much now! Even the thought of losing him makes me tear up sometimes, I pray we last until jannah and I pray our marriage is full of love, sakinah, mawaddah and rahmah until we die. I pray we reunite in jannah. I pray we don't die too far apart from each other’s death so that one one of us wont feel lonely for too long.

Friday, February 9, 2024

Pregnancy journey.

23 Sep 2023

Found out I was pregnant after 3 days of feeling super lethargic. Malam tu bagi tahu husband and nangis sebab tak ready. Tapi lama2 kita redha dengan takdir Allah. Maybe this is the best time for us. 

24 Sep 2023

Told ibu and abah by video call.

11 Dec 2023

I cried for no reason today masa tengah sidai baju. I just feel so tired today. 

I felt baby move for the first time around 18 weeks. Its feels like a tiny poke from inside. I love it because it’s like she’s saying hi.

9 Feb 2024

I’m already almost 29 weeks! I cant wait to meet you baby. Mama’s scared but she’s going to try her best! I can’t wait to see you smile and hear you laugh. I can’t wait for you to meet your ayah and your atok and tok ibu and mbah and nenek and all your aunties and uncles and cousins. You’re going to be so loved!! InshaAllah!

My belly’s getting big but alhamdulillah I’m still sleeping well at night. Sometimes i walk around and accidentally hit the door or something because I don't realise how big my belly has gotten haha. I hope you’re not hurt baby!

I always pray for your safety and health and I pray you grow up a happy baby, a happy kid and a happy human being. 

Saturday, August 13, 2022

The many layers of trust.

 I found out something about Asyraf that I felt stupid for not knowing sooner. He vapes. I literally cried yesterday because of the sheer disappointment and sadness I felt. Maybe to some people, it's not a big deal, but to me, it is a very big deal. If I had known sooner I would probably hesitate to even go on with this relationship but at this point, I don't think it's fair for me to back out just because of this. I tried to be rational. Tried to see it from his perspective. And I'm grateful that I can be open with him and tell him how I really feel. That I'm sad and disappointed and I don't like it and I want him to stop right this second. And he immediately promised me he would. 

Now, I'm a rational person. Of course I would be skeptical. Is it really that easy to quit? But I have no other choice than to trust him. Technically he didn't lie to me. He just wasn't direct about it. Because we did talk about me not liking people who smokes before this. And dia memang tak merokok. I just didn't think there would be people who would think smoking and vaping are too different things. Also, he said he's a social vaper. Means he only vapes when his friends vapes. I don't know what to say. I can only hope and pray he really stops, at all costs. Like dang, is this what they meant by 'ujian masa tunang'? Lol. Seems like I feel like I can still tolerate this. I guess the only two things that will be complete deal breakers are probably if he is either abusive (in any way, shape of form) or cheating on me, which I don't think he will and I trust that he won't. At least I really really hope not. 

Sunday, July 17, 2022

Finding the one?

I'm getting engaged next week. To be honest it hasn't really sunk in me so I don't know what to feel. But I think it's time I write about this guy. I just want to remember what I feel right now and see it in retrospect in the future. 

So his name is Asyraf. I got to know him from a website called baitulmuslim.com. He's 5 years older and works as a Technician at TNB. His family is from Johor but lives in Melaka. 

Yes, I did chat with a few guys before him but none really lasted very long. In fact, as per what I wrote in my private-only-for-me-to-read blog, I did try apps like Tinder and Bumble and got to know some guys there as well. I don't remember most of them already but yeah, just saying I was putting myself out there. Now the reason why I've stuck with Asyraf is because I really felt his effort in trying to get to know me better. And right from the start there was no dilly dallying and no mind games. We got to know each better by following Aiman Azlan's advice with the 100 marital questions. After finishing the 100 questions which took like a month coz we took our time and asked further questions here and there, he was straightforward about his intentions and asked whether I've told my parents about him. At first I actually felt pressured but after much convincing, I felt his sincerity and thought I would be doing him a disservice if I wasn't serious about this relationship as well. Yes I know, my feelings was half assed but my intention was serious. So then I told my parents about him and it just went on from there. Once I told my parents about him, it was already a sign that our relationship was official. 

It still feels weird to tell people how I got to know Asyraf. I always start with 'Oh I met him online' and I'm already prejudiced against myself lol. I always feel the need to justify it like 'I don't know how to meet someone organically. If I know a guy from school or work, that's all he's ever going to be to me. I would feel weird if a colleague started flirting or something'. Anyway, this is just something I have to work on by myself. I need to convince myself that maybe this was the best way for me and there's nothing wrong with it. 

The thing is, I don't know if Asyraf is 'the one'. Even right this second, I still have doubts whether I made the right choice. But I always hope and pray that rasa yakin tu akan datang la satu hari nanti. I feel pretentious saying this, but I really want to believe that everything comes from Allah, all our feelings come from Allah, so if I want to feel trust and love towards another person, all I have to do is ask Allah right? 

I think love is a verb. You need to work on it. You need to learn about it and spend time to nurture it. The best possible scenario is of course if the love is already there and you just maintain and grow it. But I do believe it can start from zero as well. I mean compared to how I felt about Asyraf one year ago when I first got to know him, I do think I feel more love and care for him now. It's still not to the point of being 'in love' with him thought. You know that feeling where everything that person does makes you smile and you adore almost everything about them? Yeah still not up to that level yet. 

Oh man, I suddenly feel terrified to get engaged to him now. It do be like that though. Some days I think he's nice and cute, other days I'm annoyed with him. We recently had a fight and I just felt so tired of him all of a sudden. But it's good now. I don't know. Sometimes I wish we had an effortless relationship where I'm head over heels in love with him and don't overthink stuff. But I don't even know if that's possible with anyone else either. At this point I just tell myself that as long as there are no major red flags, I can work with it. I just hope and pray that Allah will reward me and Asyraf's efforts to get to know each other, to tolerate and accept each other and to move towards a halal marriage. Amiiiin.

Tuesday, December 28, 2021

I finally resigned from my first job after graduating.

Finally, after what felt like 3 extremely long years, I've tendered in my resignation from my current position as Audit Associate in Deloitte Malaysia.

Alhamdulillah for all the good and the bad. But let's talk about the bad first so I can end this post on a positive note. Hahaha. 

The bad. 

1. Long and unstable working hours. 

During peak season, sometimes I have to work up to 16 hours a day, sometimes including weekends and public holidays. But this doesn't last throughout the whole year. It's usually 4-6 months at the beginning of the year only. I would prefer working 8 hours a day consistently (with breaks of course) and NOT work on weekends or public holidays for the whole year rather than working like zombies for 6 months and having almost nothing to do for the rest of the year. It's hard having to get in and out of the zombie mode every time. 

2. Commute. 

Since I changed clients every 2-3 months, I would have to commute to different places for each different client. But of course for the past 2 years, a big portion of the time was working from home due to repeated MCOs but I don't want to stay in the firm knowing that I would still need to commute to client's place in the future. It's not my choice if I don't want to go to a client in Port Klang.. And God knows how many Port Klang clients Deloitte has. I've been assigned to two clients in Port Klang and it was hell having to commute there, me being from Bangi.

3. Nature of audit. 

Audit is basically checking other people's work. I feel like a fraud 95% of the time. When I first started I felt like a fraud 100% of the time. It only decreased due to the meager experience I've gained. Why do I have to check someone else's work when even I don't know what the heck is going on. But you know, at this point, I feel like majority of corporate people don't know what's going on. The remaining who do know, purposely makes things harder so other people don't get in on the secret. 

Aside from checking other people's work, audit is always tight on deadlines. They should put in the job description before people joined : "Must have thick skin and thick face as you would need to chase clients or else they would end up blaming you for not meeting the audit deadline, even though THEY are the ones who don't provide you what you need and THEY are the ones who need the signed audit report."

Also, due to changing clients all the time, there's a 'touch and go' feel to it. You feel stupid every time you start on a new client. You come in once a year and they expect you to know everything there is to know about the client. Even though every client is different. They are different companies, with different SOPs and different industries with different business processes and different people working there. You need to be careful what questions you ask or there will be a risk of clients replying to you 'Haven't I told you about this last year? Didn't you guys document it down or save it somewhere?'. What they don't know is, usually, almost half of last year's audit team probably aren't around in the firm anymore because the turnover here is so damn high. But at the same time, if you rely too much on prior years' information, the audit manager will tell you 'Why we follow last year for everything? If everything you want to follow last year, then no need to do this year's audit la'.









The good.

1. The people.

I've met so many people. Among them, I've made some good friends and interesting acquittances. But at this point, a lot of my good friends have resigned. So it's a good thing I'm leaving as well because let's be honest, a big portion of why I made it this far is because of good people. That's why I really respect those seniors that have been here since freshly graduating and they're still here despite being the only one left from their batch. 

...

I can't think of any other good things right now HAHAHAH. That's so bad. I'll add on more when I think of it.

I don't want to talk about the salary because I don't want to be ungrateful. Of course you have to fight for your rights but I would say my salary is average. It can be seen from two different perspectives, one, me being overworked and underpaid, and two, there are those who have it worse than me. So for me, it's not really the biggest thing to complain about. No matter what people say, I don't think there is such a thing as being 'compensated fairly'. The fairest way to compensate someone is based on their hard work because qualifications and experience includes factors such as luck, family background and upbringing. And it's very hard to measure people's hard work. So is there really such a thing as being compensated fairly? Take someone who works in F&B, their average salary is always around RM2,000. They definitely work harder than me. Yet I sit in the chair all day and copy other people's working paper and get paid more? And you see all those directors, CEOs and audit partners getting paid RM100,000 per month (and this is the lower end of the spectrum. Some CEOs earn up to RM700,000 per month). What exactly did they work so hard on for them to deserve that much? Nothing is fair.

Well, so much for ending this post on a positive note. I'm still very grateful for the experience I gained here though. I won't go so far as to say I couldn't have gained it anywhere else or that if I could do it again, I would because hell nah. I'm not a Big 4 glorifier. I'm a firm believer of any experience is the best experience for you because Allah put you there and He put you through it. And the fact is I can't rewind anything, and whatever happens, life moves on, so I'll take what I can get.

Wednesday, July 21, 2021

Perspectives

 Who are we to decide if someone is happy or unhappy? Why do we always tend to judge other people's choices based on conventional standards? 

I've come to realize that no matter how much I consult people on the decisions I'm about to make or decisions I'm avoiding to make, in the end, I will be the one to live with it's consequences. But then, why do I still care so much about what other people think? Why does what other people think still effect my decisions? Is it because I think that some people have more experience than I do? Is it because our pathways in life are so similar? I'm so scared to make the wrong choices. But what is wrong and what is right? I don't know anymore. I suppose I should take time and sit down and properly go through whatever choices I have before I make them. I think at the end of the day, there are no good or bad choices. There are just choices and it's just a part of life. You have to choose because it is impossible to do everything all at once. And it is impossible to puaskan hati semua orang. In the first place, there is no need to puaskan hati semua orang sangat. This is your life. And that is their lives. I have no say in what they do with it. And they should have no say in what I do with my life. 

Today was promotion day. I didn't get promoted last year. I was quite dejected about it but I thought maybe it wasn't my time. But today I got promoted. I'm happy but at the same time, without helping it, I compared myself to other people who got double promoted. My company was more generous with their promotions this year so a lot of people got double promoted. But I didn't. It is such a shitty feeling. It's the same feeling as last year all over again. That feeling of I'm not good enough. What did they do that I didn't. Did they work that hard? Did I not work hard enough? Or did I just not show that I worked hard enough. I mean, who decides these things? You can't measure hard work. You're not God. You don't see the sleepless nights and all those hours people worked outside of working hours. 

I always tell myself I never want to aim high. I want to be average. I don't want to put in so much extra work only to be given more work. Was the extra compensation worth all the sleepless nights and all the days filled with anxiety? Are my colleagues who got double promoted after working their asses off happy with their choices? Only they know right? I also know people who are like me, saying over and over again that they want to resign, but after one year, they're still here. Suddenly jumping to senior can be good or bad. Or maybe I shouldn't be so rigid about it. Of course your salary increments are high, but your workload will also increase. I'm sad that I didn't get that much salary increment but I don't know if I want to be given the extra workload. Are those people happy or scared or anxious or excited to be given new responsibilities? Do they think of it as a challenge and to improve their career, skills and all that? Or do they think it's a pain? I don't know. 

I know I'm all over the place. I'm always like this. I don't know what my point is exactly but I guess I just wanted to console myself and tell myself that just because I think people are happy, maybe they're not. And just because I think they're sad, maybe they're not. Maybe they have other plans. Maybe this is what's best for them and maybe it's good timing for them. So maybe the fact that I didn't get double promoted does not undermine my efforts for the last one year and it should not mean that I am better or they are better. Or maybe it does mean that? I don't know! Maybe I'm just a bitter person.

But I just want to point out that one's salary or career or whether or not they got promoted does not define one's worth. We are not our work. I don't want to be identified by my work. But sometimes I wonder, if I were one of those excellent employees, would I still be able to think the same way?

Monday, February 1, 2021

Kelly Services and PCAOB Audit

I've been recurred for the audit of Kelly Services. Kelly was my first job after I joined Deloitte. Actually it was my second. My first job was Lafarge for 3 weeks. But I didn't really do anything at Lafarge. Just helped an SA2 with her vouching. haha. It was right in the middle of the engagement so I guess they also don't know what jobs to give me. So I always like to think Kelly as my first job. At Kelly, I got to audit individual sections by myself like Cash and Bank, and Interco. I honestly had no idea what I was doing. I just followed last year's working papers and for things that I really don't understand and have no prior working papers to refer to I would just ask my senior and she would give me some other engagement's template and I would just blindly follow that one as well. Hahah Well not exactly blindly la. I do try to make sense of it. But we have a deadline so I can't waste too much time trying to understand it. Maybe I'm not as fast a learner as I thought I was.

Saturday, December 12, 2020

Infatuation.

 I just found out that my crush is not available. My friend helped me ask another friend who knows my crush to ask him whether or not he already has a girlfriend. And the answer was that he's not available. 

Wow. Aku dah lama takde crush. Tak buat apa2 lagi dah heartbroken. Haha. If I were to describe how I'm feeling right now, it would be that I'm sad but not completely heartbroken? It was a very short-lived crush. At this point of time, I still haven't decided whether I actually like him or I'm just infatuated with him. I hope it's just infatuation and I can just move on. Putting aside how I feel about him, I think he's a good friend and a great conversation partner so yeah, all's good maybe? 

To be honest, this is all very exhausting. Getting to know a person is exhausting. The overthinking and the fantasies of what it's like if he were to like me back. I feel like I'm 15 again. And being 15 was not a good time in my life that I'd like to remember. 

Haih apa2 lah. Hidup mesti diteruskan.

Sunday, July 19, 2020

Checking in.

Again, ke laut nak update pasal audit life. Haha
I don't know. Selalu malas nak tulis pasal hidup kat sini. Tapi bila baca balik post2 lama I'd think 'Why didn't I write more'.

I've been trying to search for other jobs these past few weeks but it's soooo hard to even land an in interview. Not surprising with everything that's going on. But that doesn't stop me from feeling miserable about myself. Like aku tak cukup bagus ke and all that jazz. For now, I'll just have to continue what I'm doing... eventhough I actually DREAD having to recur for previous clients which is 95% usually what happens here.

See, the reason I initially joined audit in the first place was coz a lot of my seniors and lecturers said it's a good stepping stone to explore the industry that you want to venture into and it gives you a big exposure on the various industries available on the market. But at this point I just think 'what's the point of all this exposure if I'll end up just focusing on one later on'. And it's not really that big of an exposure. It's more 'touch and go' and depends on your luck. Some people just keep getting audit jobs for manufacturing companies so they eventually end up jumping to commercial in that kind of industry. So in the end don't we all just 'go with the flow'? And this is the kind of answer they tell us not to give during interviews? We're all hypocrites.

Speaking of interviews. I hate them so much. I hate pretending to be someone else. I don't know how to be honest and not honest at the same time. Kalau ikutkan hati, tak nak kerja pon ok. The honest HONEST answer is I'm doing this to pay the bills and to survive. And accounting is just something I happened to study and get a qualification in so thats why I'm even here applying for this position. THAT'S MY HONEST ANSWER. But no, we're expected to say things like 'I want to learn and grow in this field/organization' and  'I believe I have the necessary skills to contribute to the growth of this organization' etc. It's so exhausting having to come up with these kind of answers.

I wonder who made up these words like professionalism, corporates and capitalism. Sometimes I wish I lived in a time where these things don't exist, when we still lived in small communities and had each other's backs no matter what happened. Now we're all just stuck in this stupid rat race and making a fool of ourselves. Ok I don't know where I'm going with this. Bye.

Friday, September 27, 2019

Off peak

So I have been unassigned for 6 weeks now. Being unassigned means you don't have any clients that you are assigned to. I'm guessing it's because it's off peak now. Most of Deloitte's clients have a 31 December financial year end and most of these companies must sign off their accounts latest by 30 June the following year. That's why we're all quite free after June lol

Granted, some people are still assigned. If we get clients after June it's usually for companies who have March/June/Sept year end. Listed companies rarely have year ends other than December so most of March/June/Sept year end clients are private entities. So the workload isn't as heavy. But I've never been assigned to a listed company before so I wouldn't know the difference.

So what have I been doing for the past 6 weeks you ask? Nothing!
I follow up previous jobs, I do some e-learning here and there, but most of the time I skip work and stay at home or hangout with friends. How am I able to do this? Because Deloitte's so big. It has over 2000 employees. Nobody notices if I don't come to office except some of my friends from work. But they usually do the same thing as well so we all just keep quiet and cover each other's asses lol. We don't have a 'punch card' system so no need to punch in and out on time. Instead, we use a timesheet system which is done online. Usually I just charge 8 hours everyday whether I come early go back late or come late go back early.

When it's busy season, it's normal to go back late but it's hard to charge overtime because the process is quite tedious. You have to get manager's approval and you have to justify the extra time that you charge coz all this extra time costs the firm money. And if you charge more time, more often than not it signifies inefficiency. So personally I don't really charge overtime even when I go back and still have to open my laptop and do work because I get free time during off peak like this anyway lol

I'll be assigned two weeks from now and I'll be booked until June next year but I'll have a few weeks that I'm unassigned in between jobs which is good. Better than the last peak period where I'm booked job after job after job. Super exhausting coz you always have to follow up previous jobs even after you have to go in a new client.

Hmm that's it for now. Moving forward, I'm thinking of writing more about my job in Deloitte (hopefully) so I can look back and pat myself on the back for surviving my days here after I switch jobs in the future inshaAllah hehehe. Adios.

Friday, July 19, 2019

Update sikit.

Ada orang ingatkan aku untuk update blog, baru aku teringat aku ada blog. hahaha

So I have officially been working in Deloitte for exactly 6 months as of yesterday.
When I was in my first week, I felt like wow pro-nye member2 yang dah kerja sini for 6 7 months. Macam banyak je benda diorang tahu yang aku tak tahu. I felt so blur. But now surprise2, I STILL FEEL SO BLUR. Like the more you learn the more you realize you don't know stuff kind of feeling. But of course it's getting better jugak la in a way. Kalau ada orang baru masuk sekarang, aku pon tak tahu macam mana nak guide. 

Ok tu je la update for now.

Saturday, March 16, 2019

Life update.

I have started working for 4 weeks now. And to be completely honest, it's so bland. I'm still learning the ropes. My laptop lags all the time and it makes me want to throw it out the window. I feel so dumb and constantly afraid of asking stupid questions. I try to ask questions all the time because EVERYONE emphasizes the importance of doing so. But I regret asking each time. I feel like the more I ask the more I don't understand and I feel like I'm bothering my seniors who already have so much on their plates. I don't know what to do. I'm starting to think maybe audit isn't for me. Audit is so unpredictable because each engagement, each audit team and each client is different. It's not routine. Some might think it's interesting and challenging. But I don't see myself staying here for very long. Maybe I'm more suited doing routine kind of work. 

Monday, October 22, 2018

The question no one knows the answer to.



I thought I’d feel better after I’ve finished all my exam papers and being done with ACCA. This is what I've prayed for since I started this long journey. But when I've reached the end, I'm at a lost as what I should do next. Well, humans are greedy and selfish after all. The sense of accomplishment and satisfaction didn’t even last a week. I’m back to square one. I don’t know where to go or what to do from now on with my life. I'm feeling the exact same way I felt when I finished my SPM. Life is just this never ending cycle of change and uncertainty. It's always a question of 'what's next?'. When will anything ever be enough?

Maybe I'm not being grateful. Or maybe I'm just searching for the wrong things. Have I not matured at all in all these years?

Baby journal #5

Aisyah first time cirit birit. Hari ni berak 2 kali. Semalam berak 3 kali. Berak pon cair jee. Warna kuning mustard. Slalunya sekarang berak...